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Billionaires Warn Higher Taxes Could Prevent Them From Buying Politicians -- Andy Borowitz

Offbeat  (tags: americans, culture, design, funny, government, funny, humans, humor, off-beat, politics )

- 814 days ago -
Adding insult to injury for America's billionaires, he says, "the simple dream of someday owning a President is slipping out of reach." "People think a billion dollars buys you a President, but they're wrong," he says. ***Humor***

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Kit B. (276)
Sunday December 9, 2012, 12:54 pm
(Photograph by Mark Wilson/Getty.)

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Introducing a new wrinkle into the already fraught fiscal cliff showdown, a consortium of billionaires today warned that if their taxes are raised they will no longer have enough money to buy politicians.

The group, led by casino billionaire Sheldon Adelson, commissioned a new study showing that the cost of an average politician has soared exponentially over the past decade.

While the American family has seen increases in the cost of food, health care and education, Mr. Adelson says, “those costs don’t compare with the cost of buying a politician, which has gone through the roof.”

The casino billionaire points to his group’s study, which puts the cost of purchasing an average House member at two million dollars and an average senator at several times that.

“And let’s say you buy a Senator like [South Carolina Senator] Jim DeMint and he decides to quit,” Mr. Adelson says. “Good luck trying to get your money back.”

The Vegas magnate complains that the media has ignored billionaires’ essential role in giving jobs to politicians who would otherwise have difficulty finding “honest work of any kind.”

“Billionaires are providing employment for a group of seriously incompetent and marginal people,” Mr. Adelson says. “You raise taxes on us, and who’s going to create those jobs? I really don’t think people have thought this through.”

Adding insult to injury for America’s billionaires, he says, “the simple dream of someday owning a President is slipping out of reach.”

“People think a billion dollars buys you a President, but they’re wrong,” he says. “It barely gets you a lemon like Mitt Romney.”

by Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker Magazine |


Sue H. (6)
Sunday December 9, 2012, 1:07 pm
Well, it would be funny if it weren't so spot on. Don't know if I should laugh or cry.


David C. (29)
Sunday December 9, 2012, 1:37 pm
I am crying Sue

Kit B. (276)
Sunday December 9, 2012, 1:46 pm

I'm laughing out loud - I have sent a note of thanks to Andy. Were it not for him we just might take all of this far too seriously. Without a doubt way too much money is spent in elections and the buying of our country. While those in Congress and all elected positions grow wealthy, do you really think any of them will bring this Cash Cow to an end?

Vicky P. (465)
Sunday December 9, 2012, 4:05 pm
lol, nice, less money for lobbying would be better for us all

Jim Phillips (3202)
Sunday December 9, 2012, 5:33 pm
Saw the headline for this story and started laughing...

Billionaires Warn Higher Taxes Could Prevent Them From Buying Politicians -- Andy Borowitz

Forwarding this one to friends.

Ty, Kit.

Mitchell D. (132)
Sunday December 9, 2012, 7:12 pm
I subscribe to thew Borowitz Report, need a laugh daily.
Love it!

JL A. (275)
Sunday December 9, 2012, 9:01 pm
Thanks Kit--today was a day for an AB respite for sure!

Past Member (0)
Monday December 10, 2012, 12:11 am
What a loss that would be.

John Gregoire (269)
Monday December 10, 2012, 6:18 am
Thanks Kit!

Daniel Partlow (189)
Monday December 10, 2012, 6:22 am
Politicians by nature are already corrupt. t doesn't take much to "buy" what you want from them. Small wonder the world is so screwed up. Thanks to the 1% and the ignorance and or indifference of the 95%. That leaves 4% who are true , honest, and who seek the improvement of our planet!!

jan b. (5)
Monday December 10, 2012, 6:29 am
Written tongue-in-cheek, we have to laugh at the absurdity of the idea billionaires after taxes will be broke.
But to be real, oil speculators and defense contractors are some of the groups looking to make a killing on another war. It becomes even more disturbing when you realize that those who are going to become even filthier rich in the next war are always trying to buy out congress.

Sheila S. (68)
Monday December 10, 2012, 6:29 am
Thanks for this satirical touch of reality. After viewing the virtual tour of the Sistine Chapel, I needed to come back down to earth!

Val away R. (254)
Monday December 10, 2012, 7:22 am
Great Kit - thanks

Nancy M. (201)
Monday December 10, 2012, 11:28 am
Gosh, but it's so true!

Lois Jordan (58)
Tuesday December 11, 2012, 1:44 pm
Noted. Thanks, Kit. I always love our "court jesters" speaking truth to power.
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