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Pentagon: Cuts Could Hamper Ability To Invade Countries For No Reason ~~~ Andy Borowitz

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- 943 days ago -
The Pentagon made this gloomy assessment amid widespread fears that the nation's ability to wage totally optional wars based on bogus pretexts may be in peril. ***HUMOR***

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Kit B. (276)
Sunday March 3, 2013, 7:29 pm
Photograph by AFP/Getty.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The spending cuts mandated by the sequester may hamper the United States’s ability to invade countries for absolutely no reason, a Pentagon spokesman warned today.

The Pentagon made this gloomy assessment amid widespread fears that the nation’s ability to wage totally optional wars based on bogus pretexts may be in peril.

“Historically, the United States has stood ready and able to throw billions of dollars at a military campaign with no clear rationale or well-defined objective,” said spokesman Harland Dorrinson. “Our capacity to wage war willy-nilly is now in jeopardy.”

In the past, Mr. Dorrinson said, the Pentagon has had the resources to fight three meaningless and completely random wars at any given time, “but now in our planning meetings we are cutting that number back to two.”

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R—S.C.) agreed about the catastrophic effects of the Pentagon cuts, telling reporters, “The ability of the United States to project its military power in an arbitrary and totally capricious way must never be compromised.”

The cuts are already being felt in a tangible way at the Pentagon, which today cancelled an order for a nine-thousand-dollar pen.

By: Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker Magazine |

Shirley B. (5)
Sunday March 3, 2013, 7:36 pm
As always, funnnny!

JL A. (287)
Sunday March 3, 2013, 8:57 pm
Thanks for a dose of AB--It is really welcome today Kit!

PeaceGoodwill to All (80)
Monday March 4, 2013, 12:16 am
Thanks again Kit..this guy is amazing - nothing is sacred.

Gloria picchetti (305)
Monday March 4, 2013, 6:44 am
Oh G-d I love Andy Borowitz!

Many Feathers (137)
Monday March 4, 2013, 6:46 am

Kit B. (276)
Monday March 4, 2013, 7:08 am

This could really ruin our next unplanned and unnecessary war. Oh my Toto, what shall we do?

John B. (194)
Monday March 4, 2013, 7:21 am
Kit thank you so much for posting this here on C2NN. Got it in my email yesterday. Andy is the best at using sarcasm to state the obvious inability of politicians to grasp any given situation. Re-read and noted.

Milde WildeThang (9)
Monday March 4, 2013, 10:53 am
And kill lots of people and our own soldiers and create ptsd for the everyone else for the rest of their lives. And if we are lucky get access to new markets.. for multi-national corporate profits

Yvonne White (233)
Monday March 4, 2013, 3:56 pm
A Really Top-notch Pentagon should still be able to "accidentally" start 3-4 small scale "limited actions" with an arbittrary time line & with players "to be named later". Hell, 3 gamers with a few War Room toys could create untold chaos & "journalistic joy"! Boots on the ground is so last century any way...;)

Kit B. (276)
Monday March 4, 2013, 4:15 pm

So true Yvonne and let us not forget the damage we can now wreak with those delightful drones.

Elle B. (84)
Monday March 4, 2013, 7:58 pm
Oh but cheer-up...have no fear if the poor cut-up and off government of obstruction can't cough up the cash. . . the "magical marketeers" will be more than willing to come to the rescue providing "privatized" profit and gain armies for all those spontaneous and unexpected occasions. . .just call your global "for-profit" security forces. . .for equal opportunity engagements. . .they do not discriminate based on motives, nation, nor origin of capital. . .pay to play. . .point and shoot. . .Wild West Warfare at your service. . .

Angelika R. (145)
Tuesday March 5, 2013, 9:52 am
Thx Kit- hope Andy will stay on this subject-he may get plenty more reasons to come in the near future! (although it might get harder and harder to make jokes and satire about it..)

Fiona Ogilvie (1018)
Tuesday March 5, 2013, 9:54 am
So now, all of the pencil pushers in the Pentagon will have to learn to do Power Point presentatiation to prove reasons we need to invade other countries. All of that computer training is going to be expensive.

. (0)
Tuesday March 5, 2013, 2:46 pm
You mean the US cannot randomly kill anymore? All the fun is being sucked out of the Pentagon.

Dandelion G. (380)
Tuesday March 5, 2013, 6:23 pm

Judy C. (99)
Wednesday March 6, 2013, 3:43 am
Dang. We can't let THAT happen!

Suheyla C. (231)
Wednesday March 6, 2013, 9:52 am
Noted Thanks Kit .
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