Start A Petition

Portman Inspires Other Republicans to Stop Speaking to Their Children ~~ Andy Borowitiz

Society & Culture  (tags: americans, children, culture, dishonesty, education, ethics, gayrights, HUMOR, politics, religion, society )

- 1864 days ago -
I have gathered my caucus and told them, if your kids are going to tell you something that's going to cost you the next election, it's better to nip that situation in the bud, said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). Just stop talking to them altogether

Select names from your address book   |   Help

We hate spam. We do not sell or share the email addresses you provide.


Kit B (276)
Monday March 18, 2013, 9:01 am
Photo Credit: The New Yorker Magazine

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The decision of Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio) to support same-sex marriage after learning that his son was gay has inspired hundreds of other Republican lawmakers to stop speaking to their children immediately, G.O.P. leaders confirmed today.

“I have gathered my caucus and told them, if your kids are going to tell you something that’s going to cost you the next election, it’s better to nip that situation in the bud,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “Just stop talking to them altogether, for heaven’s sakes.”

Speaker Boehner said he was advising his fellow Republicans who were “hell bent on speaking to their children” to keep things superficial: “You can talk about sports. You can talk about the weather. But anything beyond that, your policy should be, ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’”

But even as Mr. Boehner laid down the new guidelines for not speaking to one’s children, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) said that the policy “doesn’t go far enough.”

“What if you’re having a conversation with your kids and it turns out they’re in favor of raising the capital-gains tax or banning assault rifles?” he said. “Do what I do—block their calls.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) agreed with his fellow G.O.P. leaders’ words of caution, adding, “Fortunately, none of my children want to talk to me.”

By: Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker Magazine |


Maggie Schafer (1)
Monday March 18, 2013, 9:02 am
Not only are they bad politicians, but, they are bad parents and bad human beings! Republicans out there - how can you stand by and elect people like this? I know the Dems have faults, I am mad as hell at Obama for a bunch of things, and, if Romney had not been about the worst creature to ever stop off and alien world and beam down here, I would have voted Independent! BUT - good grief. The Republicans have done ONE constructive thing in over 4 years - Rand Paul's filibuster to get answers on drones! This GOP is NOT the GOP of presidents like Eisenhower, or even Regan! This is a bunch of radical, self-serving, immoral, unethical nincompoops!

Kit B (276)
Monday March 18, 2013, 9:10 am

When reading the above bit of satire try to remember that it is not real. It is humor.

1. a comic, absurd, or incongruous quality causing amusement: the humor of a situation.
2. the faculty of perceiving what is amusing or comical: He is completely without humor.
3. an instance of being or attempting to be comical or amusing; something humorous: The humor in his joke eluded the audience.
4. the faculty of expressing the amusing or comical: The author's humor came across better in the book than in the movie.
5. comical writing or talk in general; comical books, skits, plays, etc.

1. the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
2. a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
3. a literary genre comprising such compositions.

1. characterized by bitter or scornful derision; mocking; cynical; sneering: a sardonic grin.

noun, plural i·ro·nies.
1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.
2. Literature.
a. a technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated.
b. (especially in contemporary writing) a manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes, etc., especially as a means of indicating detachment from a subject, theme, or emotion.
3. Socratic irony.
4. dramatic irony.
5. an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.

I hope that will clear up some things for those that miss the meaning and intention of these articles by Andy Borowitz.

Kit B (276)
Monday March 18, 2013, 9:12 am

Maggie - I was preparing the above while you were writing, it was not directed at you.

Joanne D (38)
Monday March 18, 2013, 9:50 am
And yet, sometimes satire is, in a way, the only way to "tell it like it is." Hooray for Andy. He can always get a smile out of me and often a laugh.

Maggie Schafer (1)
Monday March 18, 2013, 11:11 am
Oh, I know! Unfortunately, there are Republicans like this! Look how they are screwing up schools - did you know in California (a Democrat state) they no longer teach cursive? So, kids don't learn how to sign their names. Now, you would think that would be satire, but, it is totally true.

Besides, even satire gives a chance to vent on these idiots!

Kit B (276)
Monday March 18, 2013, 11:31 am

Studies have shown that students that learn cursive writing before block print, have better handwriting and develop better eye-hand coordination. Of course they would end that.

Gene J (290)
Monday March 18, 2013, 1:00 pm
Well for what its worth, I wouldn't want to talk Mitch either. :^)

Angelika R (143)
Monday March 18, 2013, 1:25 pm
LOL, thx Kit. As for turtleman, he is for once speaking the truth! :-) As for Boehner, he sure practised one half of his slogan advice long enough.. should have been the first half instead! - (don't tell me again, it's humor! ;-))
Besides, I am almost sure there are more "hidden Portlands" in the house.

Angelika R (143)
Monday March 18, 2013, 1:27 pm
oops, make that PortMANs *

Kit B (276)
Monday March 18, 2013, 1:45 pm

Well for some reason I can not send out some much deserved Green Stars. I don't about others, but I am having problems with Care2 today and lots of latency issues. My cache is fine, my Java and others are all updated, using Firefox and it too is updated, plus I just added $10.00 for increased speed on my Internet, now THAT is funny.

Eternal G (745)
Monday March 18, 2013, 4:32 pm
The children inherit our legacy, LISTEN TO WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY!!!
BTW: GREEN is a very attractive colour!

Lois Jordan (63)
Monday March 18, 2013, 4:44 pm
I can just picture this imaginary conversation in my mind....and McConnell's last line made me burst out in laughter. Thanks, Kit, I'm going to need a bit more humor this week since Jon Stewart's on vacation.

Judy C (97)
Tuesday March 19, 2013, 2:29 am
This is hilarious. Thanks, Kit. :-)

Past Member (0)
Tuesday March 19, 2013, 4:14 am

Arielle S (313)
Tuesday March 19, 2013, 7:38 am
LOL - that actually sounds very GOP. Rachel Maddow suggested that if the GOP can only accept what affects them directly, maybe they should all have POOR children....

Susanne R (234)
Tuesday March 19, 2013, 8:19 am
Unfortunately, the Republican Party has become so disjointed and so paranoid that I can imagine such conversations actually happening!

Thanks for the laugh, Kit!

Jim P (3257)
Tuesday March 19, 2013, 12:54 pm
Even though this is satire, I would be inclined to believe that the g o p pukes of saying such things... lol.

Ty, Kit.

Beth Tatum (95)
Tuesday March 19, 2013, 1:02 pm
Andy Borowitiz is so funny!

Winn A (179)
Tuesday March 19, 2013, 2:13 pm
Who would want to talk to Mitch in the first place.

Birgit W (160)
Tuesday March 19, 2013, 4:41 pm

John Coleman (18)
Tuesday March 19, 2013, 6:00 pm
Well Portman may represent his gay son but he no longer represents me as an Ohio resident who voted for him. He was elected to make rational not emotional decisions. Hope is willing to support polygamy and "marriage" between brothers or aunts and nieces and other "alternative love matches" since he feels a "right" but one that is defined by the "progressive" Left..

Jeremy S (3)
Tuesday March 19, 2013, 6:06 pm
Just as any believable lie, any good comedy, must have a grain of truth to it, so does this satire, and that is what makes it so effective. It's only a little bit further beyond what we see now...

marie C (163)
Tuesday March 19, 2013, 6:20 pm
Thanks Kit

Iona Kentwell (129)
Wednesday March 20, 2013, 1:59 am
Too funny! I'm sure there are politicians all over the planet who shiver with fear whenever their loved ones speak as they know their policies are unjust and/ or insane and are terrified of the day their kids realise it and blow them out of the water.

Tom H (37)
Wednesday March 20, 2013, 1:06 pm
Fantastic! I I had to scroll down a bit to confirm it was satire since it was starting to make sense.

Tom H (37)
Wednesday March 20, 2013, 1:10 pm
And OK, you had me cold at "House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) said that the policy 'doesn't go far enough.'” That's when the chuckles started in earnest.

Charlene Rush (79)
Wednesday March 20, 2013, 7:41 pm
As John Boehner has never been on my party invitation list, if this is a true statement, as I must assume it is, does anyone wonder, why the conservatives are not particularly 'nice people'?

There is something very primal, in this statement Mr. Boehner made. It's kind of like a picture that say 1000 words. It tells you so much about his priorities and personality.
I don't know where to I won't, except to say that, the Republican Party has become so disjointed and distanced from rational thinking, I don't think they know which way to turn.
When our politicians can't say and do what they truly, believe, we are not dealing with situations that will benefit our citizens. We are dealing with robots, engineered by the Koch Brothers.
Oh, remember, if a paper product is made by 'Georgia Pacific', it is a Koch Brothers product.
Purchase at your own risk.

By George I got it!!!
The new name for the Republican Party should be the: S.T.E.P.F.O.R.D. Party
The STEPFORD PARTY ~ mannequins provided by the Koch Brothers.

Good heavens, I Love It.

Charlene Rush (79)
Wednesday March 20, 2013, 7:59 pm
To John Coleman: Truer words were never spoken, at least in part.
Mr. Coleman, in reality is saying, 'Since, my son is gay, I guess I'll have to agree to gays having rights as well as heterosexuals. In other words, he would never have had the same compassion for others, but, only when it affected him, personally.
The fact is, he knew about his son for some time, but, we must assume his son no longer intended to keep it a secret. So, Mr. Coleman decided to get ahead of the issue.

As for the remainder of your comment. In fact the only reason aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters cannot marry is due to the negative effects of procreation. When you marry a close relative, your chances of having a child with disabilities, is much greater. Otherwise, there is no reason, not to, if that is your wish. I'm simply talking from a pragmatic point of view.
Now, when it comes to polygamy and other non-traditional forms of partnerships, I've come to believe, that it is not my business or yours, who or how many people marry each other.
The reasons I find it unfavorable is not the issue and should not be relegated to the rest of society, as long as everyone is an agreeing adult.

As Alfred Lord Tennyson, in the poem 'Charge of the Light Brigade' said,
'Mind is not to reason why, mine is just to do and die'.

Julie W (32)
Thursday March 21, 2013, 2:39 am
Now that's funny!
Or, log in with your
Facebook account:
Please add your comment: (plain text only please. Allowable HTML: <a>)

Track Comments: Notify me with a personal message when other people comment on this story

Loading Noted By...Please Wait


butterfly credits on the news network

  • credits for vetting a newly submitted story
  • credits for vetting any other story
  • credits for leaving a comment
learn more

Most Active Today in Society & Culture

Content and comments expressed here are the opinions of Care2 users and not necessarily that of or its affiliates.

New to Care2? Start Here.