Sunday June 9, 2013, 10:11 am
Photo of a Red Lobster restaurant from ONION NEWS.
ONION NEWS is humor and satire and is not meant to be taken seriously.
For more than 40 years, Red Lobster has remained committed to denying the civil liberties of women.
ORLANDO, FL—In today’s fast-paced corporate world, it sometimes seems as if the moral fabric of our society has been stretched beyond recognition in the name of so-called social progress. Bowing to the twin demons of feminism and political correctness, many businesses have readily yielded to the pressures of the country’s advancing women’s rights front, allowing their fear of losing a few customers to cloud their judgment and dilute their most fundamental of values.
But not at Red Lobster. For over 40 years, the country’s preeminent seafood restaurant chain has strived to maintain a respectable business environment in both its restaurants and its corporate structure. And though the currents of change may have shaken the resolve of other eateries, Red Lobster’s leadership is in firm agreement that their company now and forever will remain at the forefront in the ongoing fight against women in the workplace.
“Red Lobster’s corporate values have always been directly aligned with the interests of the traditional American family, and that means we are vigorously opposed to the female infiltration of the workplace,” said Clarence Otis Jr., CEO of Red Lobster’s parent company Darden Restaurants Inc., and a self-described “die-hard opponent” of the women’s rights movement. “That’s why, when you step into one of our restaurants for a taste of the most delicious seafood around, you won’t see a single female employee who isn’t a server or hostess, and you’ll never, ever see a woman working in any kind of supervisory role.”
“That’s our promise to you,” Otis continued.
The chief executive noted that the campaign against women’s rights doesn’t end in the restaurant’s nearly 700 affordable, family-friendly locations. Indeed, honoring the wishes of founders Bill Darden and Charley Woodsby, Red Lobster has never once employed any kind of female executive throughout its corporate structure, and even enforces a policy expressly barring women from entering the boardroom at its Orlando headquarters.
In fact, due to the company’s creative application of federal and state labor laws, Red Lobster has ensured that those few female typists and telephone operators it does reluctantly and begrudgingly employ receive far less pay than their more capable male counterparts and virtually no medical benefits, a bold move in a world plagued by the screeching feminist horde.
But Red Lobster’s ongoing opposition to the women’s rights movement doesn’t end within its own walls, Otis emphasized.
“For decades, we’ve been investing our profits into a number of dedicated political advocacy groups seeking to ensure that our nation’s places of business remain a stronghold for men and men only,” Otis said, adding that the company has also funneled money to organizations hoping to put a stop to immigration, contraception initiatives, and homosexual adoption. “Through our aggressive lobbying efforts, we’ve succeeded so far in blocking a litany of women’s rights legislation, and we will continue working to ensure that no woman ever feels comfortable in the workplace. That’s the Red Lobster way.”
Through offering such an impassioned voice to this most pressing of debates, it’s no surprise that Red Lobster has earned the praises of the nation’s most influential business leaders.
“In times of widespread moral cowardice such as these, it’s inspiring to see a restaurant chain whose attitudes toward the supposed ‘advancement’ of the fairer sex remain as fresh as their seafood,” said American publishing magnate T. Herman Zweibel. “In the years to come, I remain confident that the rights and freedoms of the female gender will continue to deteriorate, just as Red Lobster’s star will continue to ascend.”
“They’ve also proven their worth as a more than willing business partner,” Zweibel added.
For more information on Red Lobster and its ongoing mission, visit redlobster.com, and be sure to pop in to your local restaurant location for the Seaside Mix & Match special, featuring two delicious menu options for just $12.99.
From the ONION NEWS NETWORK
***HUMOR **** SATIRE!!!!
Sunday June 9, 2013, 11:15 am
HA HA HA HA !!!!! :) Seriously though I fear a majority of the population in the states do no understand satire. My students didn't appreciate Swift's "Modest Proposal" which was a shame.