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Edward Snowden's Current Options ---- ONION NEWS *HUMOR*

Society & Culture  (tags: americans, culture, HUMOR, society )

- 1762 days ago -
Former NSA agent Edward Snowden has been accused of treason and is currently the target of an international manhunt. With the U.S. demanding his return to America, The Onion looks at what Snowden's current options are:

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Kit B (276)
Wednesday June 26, 2013, 9:02 am
Photo Credit: Onion News

Former NSA agent Edward Snowden has been accused of treason and is currently the target of an international manhunt. With the U.S. demanding his return to America, The Onion looks at what Snowden’s current options are:

•Set everything right by returning leaked NSA secrets to their original owners

•Flee to a nation with widespread public hostility to the U.S., such as the U.S.

•Found a new country on a piece of land no one has discovered yet

•Point out to U.S government how expensive court battle would be for both sides

•Cackle and deliver defiant speech at federal agents from inside hall of mirrors, leaving them completely confounded as to which one’s the real Edward Snowden

•Apologize to the 254 Americans who actually had a problem with what he did

•Maybe a new haircut?

•Head to international waters, where the only master is the sea

•Get rid of giant fish tank that will probably only slow him down from here on out

•Indulge his thirst for truth with a variety of courses offered under Carnegie Mellon University’s adult-extension programming

•Accept that no matter how far he runs, he’ll always be just like his father

•Hide in a backyard boat, maybe

•Reflect and reach the clearly evident conclusion that Americans should never under any circumstances know what their government does behind their backs, and then do the correct thing by turning himself in

Onion News Network | Humor and Satire of News Events |


JL A (281)
Wednesday June 26, 2013, 9:17 am
Thanks for the giggles Kit and the reminder of how media shapes our views with this no longer being much of a story in US media any more like how little coverage the media gave yesterday's climate change speech by Obama...

Angelika R (143)
Wednesday June 26, 2013, 12:04 pm
LOL, some excellent poins in there! I can't say much about the media, at least CNN carried Obama's speech and Amanpour had a climate part in her show. As for Snowden, what could they report when sensation like new developments is missing.. But OUR politicians are quite vocal about the entire scandal , especially after Britain REFUSED to answer our govt. questions.

Kit B (276)
Wednesday June 26, 2013, 12:22 pm

Let's be honest, with this 24/7 news cycle our attention is limited by the next "new" story. This week has been filled with hot breaking news to distract us from Edward Snowden. Both the SCOTUS and President Obama have made big news this week, many seemed to have paid attention to the adventures in Texas, and there is the Florida drama. That does not discount his story, but humor is still essential.

Joanne Dixon (38)
Wednesday June 26, 2013, 3:41 pm
I would be thrilled personally if the number of cretins in the US were down to 254.

Rose Becke (141)
Wednesday June 26, 2013, 4:19 pm
I needed this Kit :)

Jo S (619)
Wednesday June 26, 2013, 7:48 pm
This is hysterical ! LOL ;-))! Thanks Kit!
Noted, giggled & shared!

Sandra Santana (0)
Wednesday June 26, 2013, 10:26 pm
Maybe he should send an apology card to each of those 254 who were offended with maybe a gift card to McDonalds or Red Robin....... yuummm.....

. (0)
Thursday June 27, 2013, 9:22 am
Okay I support Manning and Assange and I originally supported Snowden. However forgive me if I have doubts about what he has recently done. The quid pro quo for safe passage through Russia was a look at the info on those four computers Snowden has.
Any truly sensitive information that would compromise national security and I'm not talking about run of the mill stuff would comprise treason. Anything that would compromise ongoing missions; R&D; the names and locations of SPEC OP troops; launch codes; contingency plans for the nation's defense - that type of stuff; revealing it is a treasonable offense. If that is the case I don't find that laughable at all.

Jaime Alves (52)
Thursday June 27, 2013, 3:14 pm
Noted, thanks.!!

Twyla Sparks (208)
Thursday June 27, 2013, 4:02 pm
noted, thanks

marie C (163)
Thursday June 27, 2013, 4:15 pm
Thanks Kit

Pat B (356)
Thursday June 27, 2013, 4:20 pm
Thanks, Kit for this.

Jamie Clemons (282)
Thursday June 27, 2013, 4:22 pm
Or he could flee to Ecuador and get immunity.

. (0)
Thursday June 27, 2013, 5:31 pm
He should return and confess to what he did.

Past Member (0)
Thursday June 27, 2013, 6:49 pm
This is all a huge distraction when our focus should be on Paula Deen. The media is slipping up if they can't get at least another month out of that 'story'.

Lois Jordan (63)
Friday June 28, 2013, 6:50 pm
Noted w/thanks, Kit. Or, maybe he could just do all of the above mentioned in article, to make sure he's covered. I'm still hoping for the best for Snowden. Maybe he'll end up in Iceland? I signed a petition to the Ecuadoran gov't earlier asking them to grant him asylum....hope they do.

Laura T (105)
Saturday June 29, 2013, 8:22 pm

Past Member (0)
Saturday June 29, 2013, 10:45 pm
You're a funny gal Kit!

Jonathan Harper (0)
Sunday June 30, 2013, 2:19 am
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