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Kerry Shocked to Be Taken Seriously -- Andy Borowitz

Society & Culture  (tags: americans, culture, Humor, Satire, society )

- 1686 days ago -
But after the novelty of not being ignored wore off, Mr. Kerry said, the Russians' assertion that he had said something worth paying attention to "seemed like a trick." ***HUMOR***SATIRE****

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Kit B (276)
Wednesday September 11, 2013, 9:17 pm
Photograph by Alastair Grant/WPA Pool/Getty.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Secretary of State John Kerry said today that he was “shocked and flabbergasted” that the Russians heeded his suggestion about Syria’s chemical weapons, telling reporters, “After four decades in public life, this is the first time someone has taken me seriously.”

“Whether as a senator, a Presidential candidate, or Secretary of State, I’ve devoted countless hours to thunderous and droning speeches that people have consistently tuned out,” he said. “So naturally, to be listened to all of a sudden came as something of a shock.”

But after the novelty of not being ignored wore off, Mr. Kerry said, the Russians’ assertion that he had said something worth paying attention to “seemed like a trick.”

“You mean to tell me that after decades of spewing mind-numbing rhetoric I all of a sudden blurted out an idea worth acting on?” he said. “It doesn’t pass the smell test.”

At the White House, spokesman Jay Carney welcomed the Russians’ engagement in the Syria crisis, but warned that “further actions based on John Kerry’s remarks will not be tolerated.”

“We ask the Russians to be constructive participants in this process,” he said. “And taking John Kerry seriously is a clear violation of international norms.”

By: Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker Magazine |


JL A (281)
Wednesday September 11, 2013, 9:41 pm
Thanks for the dose of AB Kit...but I'm feeling empathy for Mr. Kerry, too.

Kit B (276)
Wednesday September 11, 2013, 10:11 pm

I know the feeling, but I have an hunch even the comment that seemed off-hand was carefully planned to allow both Syria and Russia to speak up. Kerry is well accomplished, knows foreign affairs extremely well and is still a boring speaker.

Helen Porter (39)
Wednesday September 11, 2013, 11:46 pm
You, know, that seems to be my story.

When I'm serious folks say, "You gotta be kidding!"

When I am kidding, I don't see a dimple.

Ah, well, I now have a mentor and an example: Sen. John Kerry!

Now, I just need a microphone to let the whole world sing my song!

Fiona Ogilvie (565)
Thursday September 12, 2013, 7:04 am
Thanks for the humor since I do not have a television any more.

Elle B (84)
Thursday September 12, 2013, 8:20 am
Ty Kit ... if you want something from the GOP malversation madness called a Congress ... or some mindless vicious creepy "nut" heading up a middle east nation . . . ask or state the opposite ...

"People don't want the truth anymore, Matt. It's too messy. Keeps them up nights." ―Harlan Whitford [Safe House a movie]

Sheila D (194)
Thursday September 12, 2013, 4:32 pm
Cute, but not as good as some of his. Do agree with Nyack that Kerry hasn't been taken seriously by many simply because he isn't the most interesting of speakers. He's smart, knows his stuff, but tends to get too lengthy, too wordy. Thank you for AB.

Past Member (0)
Thursday September 12, 2013, 5:18 pm

Past Member (0)
Thursday September 12, 2013, 5:51 pm

Maybe Kerry can do something to save the Ecuador rain forest? It may be more difficult and important than the Syrian issue...


Roxie H (350)
Friday September 13, 2013, 4:26 am
LoL and ugh, I hold hope for the weapons to be removed. Hey, look at all the destruction and poisoning going on in USA. (Chicken Nuggets from China) and Fracking! so, let's give peaceful a chance.

Joanne Dixon (38)
Friday September 13, 2013, 12:25 pm
I can't help being reminded of Tom Lehrer's song about Hubert Humphrey. Can we say anti-intellectualism?

Lois Jordan (63)
Sunday September 15, 2013, 6:02 pm
Noted w/thanks for the laughs, Kit. (P.S. Not to get stuck on "appearance"....but did Kerry get botoxed or a botched eye lift?...he just looks so different...kinda "shocked" me when I saw him).
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