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House Republicans Line Up for Free Annual Physicals Before Defunding Obamacare -- Andy Borowitz


Society & Culture  (tags: americans, culture, Humor, Satire, society )

Kit
- 431 days ago - newyorker.com
Saying that they needed to be in peak physical condition for their looming effort to defund Obama care, over a hundred House Republicans lined up for their free annual physicals today. ***HUMOR***SATIRE***



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Kit B. (276)
Friday September 20, 2013, 9:19 am
Photograph: Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call.



WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that they needed to be in peak physical condition for their looming effort to defund Obamacare, over a hundred House Republicans lined up for their free annual physicals today.

The physicals, part of Congress’s government-subsidized health-care package, yielded good news for many of the House G.O.P., who learned that they were strong and healthy enough for the demanding task of defunding Obamacare.

“My blood pressure was lower than I thought it would be,” said Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio). “That’s amazing, because it goes through the roof whenever I think about how Obamacare would destroy America.”


House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia)—whose free annual physical included an examination of his heart, lungs, ears, eyes, throat, and blood—said that his doctor proclaimed him in perfect physical condition: “He said I should be able to live a long, healthy life and defund Obamacare for many years to come.”

Rep. Cantor added that he had lost a few pounds since last year’s free annual physical, as he headed to lunch before defunding food stamps.
***** HUMOR****SATIRE***


By: Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker Magazine |
 

Sue H. (7)
Friday September 20, 2013, 9:29 am
Too close to truth to make me laugh, but thanks.
 

Arielle S. (316)
Friday September 20, 2013, 9:29 am
I'd like to be there for the physicals.... especially the parts where they bend over.
It's a good thing somebody has a good sense of humor about this 'cuz I'm sure losing mine....
 

JL A. (272)
Friday September 20, 2013, 11:07 am
Thanks for my AB dose Kit. The $100 question (or is it now $1000 with the increased costs of health care they seem to prefer?) is whether their rectal exams found extraneous materials (from listening to constituents telling them where to shove it) or major constipation (with how full of it they are)?
 

Barbara K. (75)
Friday September 20, 2013, 11:08 am
Arielle, I'm with you. I'd like to be there too, I'd like to see a head X Ray, and a Brain Scan, and a chest X-ray. Bet there will be no hearts or brains to be found in the lot of the Tbagging thugs.
 

Kit B. (276)
Friday September 20, 2013, 11:21 am

J L is trying to compete with Andy, and may be is just a bit funnier. I usually am not terribly bothered by the Congressional mutual back slapping for doing their job. This is just so mean spirited, and again sliding past their singular duty of paying the bills, that one must be a little discouraged. This waste of time today, proves that once again these people are paid for doing nothing.

I wonder if that free physical took note of large open cavities where the brain once lived.
Or is that another cavity?

 

Pat B. (353)
Friday September 20, 2013, 11:26 am
Good comments all. Thanks, Kit for my dose of Mr. AB today. ;-)
 

Kathleen R. (203)
Friday September 20, 2013, 11:41 am
Thanks, I love Andy Borowitz. Congress has too many "takers". Just think how far along we would be if they had a heart and a brain. They have neither and it shows. God what a selfish mean lot they are.
 

Barbara K. (75)
Friday September 20, 2013, 11:49 am
Thanks for the chuckle, JL. I'm with you and Kit and everyone. Those idiots disguised as Republican Congressmen, don't deserve the seats they hold. They haven't earned a dime for the last 2 Congressional Sessions. they are so stupid that they think that running a government is to just say "NO" to everything that would help the citizens who pay them. They show us every day that they don't know how to govern. Kick them out. VOTE THEM OUT while we still have that right, they are trying to stop that too.
 

Mitchell D. (130)
Friday September 20, 2013, 1:56 pm
Yes, Kit, that's another cavity...the rectal one , which JL referred to; that's where these people's brains live.
Destroy people's families, with the "war on drugs," prevent kids from getting a quality education, which just might make them more employable, send the jobs overseas, etc., and then call them takers, and cut the money they need for simple survival.
Of course , then, some years later, you can complain that "These people's kids can not learn," and you KNOW that it is their fault, because they are bad parents!

If it weren't for gerrymandering, these bastards would not even be in office: We must get them un-elected ASAP!!
 

Rose NoFWDSPLZ (280)
Friday September 20, 2013, 3:55 pm
wonderful Kit
 

Marianne B. (113)
Friday September 20, 2013, 8:14 pm
don't they get enough "free" stuff? and those who really need it can't!! wonder why we hate politicians.
 

Laurie H. (726)
Friday September 20, 2013, 9:03 pm
I wish we could "Dethrone Them All!!!" I too grow impatient with their outright stupidity----they have OUR HEALTH CARE at stake after all!!! They possess zero compassion and seem to breeze by, attempting to nip away at everything that has been accomplished so far! Harry Reid said today in essence, that they're "Grandstanding." Thanks so much Kit!!!~
 

jess b (24)
Friday September 20, 2013, 10:37 pm
well, you got me - I actually went to see what it was all about, and wondered, why do they have to stand in line. I glanced at a few lines, and then I remembered the last joke post.
Started reading the comments and got to Arielle S. and burst out laughing.
Thanks Kit and Arielle and everyone for their great comments
 

TomCat S. (234)
Saturday September 21, 2013, 1:07 am
I have a trans-vaginal probe for Boehner. Don't assk (typo intentional, for a change) where it goes! :-)
 

Candy L. (479)
Saturday September 21, 2013, 2:13 am
“My blood pressure was lower than I thought it would be,” said Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) Why Because he doesn't do a F KING Thing! I would have liked to be there & give them a Physical with a 10 Foot Pole! Its alright for them to get free medical care, but screw the rest of us, & then you have Phil Gingre (R-Ga.) crying over only making $172,000 a year
 

Jennifer C. (169)
Saturday September 21, 2013, 4:32 am
Thanks.
 

John Gregoire (261)
Saturday September 21, 2013, 4:38 am
Thanks Kit, be they Republicans or Democrats, i'd love to be the one administering the prostate exam! With targets that large I couldn't miss!
 

Joanne Dixon (40)
Saturday September 21, 2013, 7:44 am
Andy was very reatrained about this - probably smart enough to see how may ways this could be expanded upon in give the readers (whom he, unlike so many in the media, respects) a change to enlarge. BTW, it's a long time since I was around this discussion; is it still called a "silver stallion"?
 

John C. (81)
Sunday September 22, 2013, 11:11 am
The House of Representatives. Home of the cranial/rectal inversion.
A round of government subsidized Prune juice for all.
 

Thomas P. (468)
Sunday September 22, 2013, 3:58 pm
Noted...thanks Kit. If Eric Cantor, who with the rest of his Repub/Teabagger ilk voted to cut $ 40 billion from the SNAP program, was REALLY told that nothing was wrong with his heart, then the doctor who performed that physical should surrender his license to practice medicine, as everyone who voted to cut food from the needy most certainly has no heart. Great comments, especially by Barbara K, J.L.
 
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