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Boehner Advises Americans to Delay Getting Cancer for a Year -- Andy Borowitz


Society & Culture  (tags: americans, culture, Humor, Satire, society )

Kit
- 305 days ago - newyorker.com
"We're involved in a high-stakes fight over our freedom from centralized government control of our lives," said Mr. Boehner, speaking on behalf of his House colleagues. "You can do your part by delaying getting cancer." *HUMOR*SATIRE*



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Kit B. (277)
Monday September 30, 2013, 9:06 am
Photograph by J. Scott Applewhite/AP.


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a special Sunday radio address, House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) delivered a health tip to the American people, advising them to delay getting cancer for a year.

“We’re involved in a high-stakes fight over our freedom from centralized government control of our lives,” said Mr. Boehner, speaking on behalf of his House colleagues. “You can do your part by delaying getting cancer.”


He added that heart disease, emphysema, and diabetes were among a laundry list of conditions that would be “patriotic to avoid for a year.”

“If you delay getting any of these things for the next twelve months, together we will win this fight,” he said.

In closing, he reassured the American people that in the event of a government shutdown, members of Congress’ health benefits would remain intact: “We want to be in tip-top shape to continue to do the excellent job we’re doing for you.”
****HUMOR****SATIRE****

By: Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker Magazine |
 

Kit B. (277)
Monday September 30, 2013, 9:07 am

Some times Andy is so on target it almost hurts!
 

Roseann D. (178)
Monday September 30, 2013, 9:08 am
It's not like the GOP will grow a heart, brain and soul in a year. We'd just be having this same battle all over again. Their hope is that they can take the Senate in 2014 as they are betting that Dems won't turn out to vote in a non-presidential election. How wrong they are!
 

Ben Oscarsito (355)
Monday September 30, 2013, 9:22 am
Is that moron John Boehner still around...? -Yesterday I told him to go duck himself!
 

Kit B. (277)
Monday September 30, 2013, 10:04 am

He did Ben, ducked himself into another vat of orange tan, mixed with a heavy dose of hubris.
 

Arielle S. (316)
Monday September 30, 2013, 10:22 am
Gotta love that Andy - he sure knows how to zero in on matters....As for Agent Orange, I had similar thoughts but mine were a little more sexually explicit.
 

Robert B. (57)
Monday September 30, 2013, 11:14 am
I wonder if the teabagger's healh plan covers "Rectoptosis", a condition that seems to be consuming the extremists and seems to be spreading to the rest of the GOP. What happens with this malady is that the Optic nerves get crossed with the anal nerves and causes you to have a shitty outlook on life. The only cure is to get a real heart and to accept the REAL WORLD and all of it's facts. It's a tough cure for many. Pray for them as you vote them out of office. They need to be kept in Quarantine.
 

Pat B. (354)
Monday September 30, 2013, 1:11 pm
Thanks, Kit for today's Andy.!! ;-)
 

Lois Jordan (55)
Monday September 30, 2013, 5:26 pm
Noted. Thanks, Kit. The trouble is, I could actually see Boner saying these words! Seems like maybe Andy will have to start being a bit more drastic.......
 

JL A. (272)
Monday September 30, 2013, 6:08 pm
Thanks Kit for my AB dose--harder to laugh since my TP rep sent me an email asking how I'm finding ACA since he's only heard complaints from people about premiums skyrocketing (mostly limited to pricy individual luxury coverage already beyond most people's affordability).
 

Betsy Bee (1045)
Monday September 30, 2013, 6:58 pm
Darn, he should have told me that a few months ago.
 

Robert Hardy (67)
Monday September 30, 2013, 10:02 pm
He is such an ass I can believe this...
 

TomCat S. (286)
Tuesday October 1, 2013, 1:09 am
Indeed great minds do fall in the same ditch, Kitty. :-)
 

. (0)
Tuesday October 1, 2013, 7:38 am
Boehner needs to watch his mouth. Thanks for sharing, Kit.
 

Nancy M. (201)
Tuesday October 1, 2013, 7:42 am
Just don't ever go to a doctor if you don't have health insurance. They might find something and you will have a pre-existing condition. IN any case, perhpas that no longer matters.
 

Rehana VN (0)
Tuesday October 1, 2013, 9:37 am
Was'nt aware that illnesses were "made to order".
 

Roger Garin-michaud (61)
Tuesday October 1, 2013, 1:47 pm
noted, thanks
 

Louise D. (38)
Tuesday October 1, 2013, 1:51 pm
Old John Boehner doing his bit to prevent several million people get health care has the pained expression of a man who has never passed stool for quite a while. Still, judging by the current situation he will be asking people not to die particularly all the people who can't afford medical insurance as it may make him look like a total bastard.
 

Jeanne Rogers (690)
Tuesday October 1, 2013, 10:03 pm
I love Andy. and, BTW, Boehner is an ass.
 

Lynn Squance (227)
Tuesday October 1, 2013, 10:17 pm
Oh AB, you're so funny!!!

"… Congress’ health benefits would remain intact: “We want to be in tip-top shape to continue to do the excellent job we’re doing for you.”"

… yeah, at the Republicare Death Panels!

Boehner is slipping off his bar stool!
 
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