START A PETITION37,000,000 members: the world's largest community for good

Record for Worst Congress of All Time So Close Boehner Can Taste It -- Andy Borowitz

Society & Culture  (tags: americans, borowitz, culture, humor, satire )

- 1500 days ago -
"Like most of us, I came to this town hoping to make history," he says, refilling his tumbler. "And, damn it, that's what I'm about to do." HUMOR!!!!

Select names from your address book   |   Help

We hate spam. We do not sell or share the email addresses you provide.


Kit B (276)
Friday December 13, 2013, 1:41 pm
Photograph by Jim Watson/AFP/Getty.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With six fingers of Johnnie Walker swirling in his favorite tumbler, John Boehner speaks with the quiet assurance of a man on the brink of something big.

Just three workdays remain until Congress packs it in for 2013, and the House that Boehner presides over is about to set the record for the least productive year in its history—a quixotic goal that the tawny Ohioan set for himself when he arrived in Washington, in 1991.

“Like most of us, I came to this town hoping to make history,” he says, refilling his tumbler. “And, damn it, that’s what I’m about to do.”

Downing his glass in one gulp, he reflects upon “all the little things that had to go right” to make the year of epic underachievement possible.

“There were the Benghazi hearings, of course, and all the votes to repeal Obamacare,” he says. “But when we shut down the government in the fall, I started thinking, Jesus, the record—it could happen.”

During those heady shutdown days, Boehner didn’t dare speak about the record he had long dreamed of setting—“didn’t want to jinx anything”—but with Congress’s work year set to end on Friday, he now admits, “I’m so close I can taste it.”

Yesterday, when members of his caucus came up with a bipartisan budget deal, Boehner “had a little come-to-Jesus meeting with them,” he says. “I told them, I’ve worked too long and hard for this record, damn it. Don’t mess it up at the last minute by accomplishing something.”

So with the record for worst Congress seemingly in the bag—“I can cross that off my bucket list,” he says—what does John Boehner do for an encore?

“It’s going to be tough to make next year’s Congress even worse,” he says, pouring himself another tall one. “But it’s going to be fun trying.”

By: Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker Magazine |

Arielle S (313)
Friday December 13, 2013, 1:45 pm
I've been waiting for this one (welcome back, Kit!) Notice how Andy gets so darn close to the truth that people take his words as gospel? This is yet another where fact and fiction are just so close it's hard to tell....

j A (282)
Friday December 13, 2013, 4:23 pm
Thanks for the dose of AB Kit--funny what goals some people set and gloat over at times so it becomes tough for the uninformed to distinguish satire.

Fiona O (593)
Friday December 13, 2013, 5:14 pm
I needed a healthy dose of Borowitz. Glad you are back, Kit.

Angelika R (143)
Friday December 13, 2013, 5:42 pm
I had a feeling you'd be back soon that's why I skipped this, no need for sitting in, left it for you! thx! :)

Laurie H (817)
Friday December 13, 2013, 8:16 pm
LOL for this Friday the 13th----Welcome back Kit!!!!!!!~~~~~

Bryna Pizzo (139)
Friday December 13, 2013, 10:08 pm
LOL! Thank you! I needed a good laugh!

Freya H (361)
Saturday December 14, 2013, 9:04 am
I would not be surprised if this is indeed the Worst. Congress. Ever. Sequestration, shutdown, playing party politics while this country is going to s**t, slashing public assistance to the bone while upping corporate welfare, et cetera - that is why I made the petition Pledge to Re-Elect Nobody!

Past Member (0)
Saturday December 14, 2013, 9:15 am
What, you didn't include the story by Posted by Lauren Collins on The New Yorker titled The Obama Selfie-Face-Gate? It's as illuminating a subject as this article.


Kit B (276)
Saturday December 14, 2013, 9:19 am

They have proven to be the worst Congress in US history and well deserving of some laughs at their expense.

Pat B (354)
Saturday December 14, 2013, 10:34 am
Thanks, Kit for my daily dose of Mr. Andy. Good to see you back. ;-)

Winn A (177)
Saturday December 14, 2013, 11:52 am
Vote all republicans and tea baggers out of office in every state at every opportunity. They are a scourge on America.

Mitchell D (104)
Saturday December 14, 2013, 1:01 pm
I'm with you, Wynn!
But, wait, Arielle, you mean this was not for real? Pat Robertson, told me that he heard directly from the mouth of God, that it was real...or am I hallucinating, just like good ole Pat?

Barbara P (1069)
Saturday December 14, 2013, 1:39 pm
Thanks for sharing Kit...

Birgit W (160)
Saturday December 14, 2013, 4:17 pm
Noted, thanks.

Lois Jordan (63)
Saturday December 14, 2013, 4:29 pm
Noted. Thanks, Kit.
Facts are that this Congress passed only 50-something bills.....far less than the one in 1995 that passed 100 plus. Even the "Do-Nothing" Congress back in the 1930's passed around 300 bills! So, yeah, Boner's on a winning streak.....

Aurea Aurea Walker (226)
Saturday December 14, 2013, 4:44 pm
Kit you have been missed! Welcome back. Gosh I again absolutely must disagree with mr. BOhNER! This congress accomplished so MUCH! It is not easy voting down every damn thing president Obama wanted for the citizens. Hey sequesters are nothing easy either, I mean how much time did congress spend watching people almost literally starve to death. Screw our veterans and their benefits rightly owed them including their SNAP benefits. But the best for last, it took a lot of effort to totally immolate themselves and come 2014 & 2016 when the GOP is an almost extinct "rara avis" they will reap the rewards of all their hardworking machinations.

Debra G (0)
Saturday December 14, 2013, 8:49 pm
3 more working days? Plenty of time to vote for ACA repeals #48, 49, and 50. Wishing that man a lovely cirrhotic liver - soon. And jolly hemorrhoids for the rest of the bunch.

Bridget Robertson (106)
Sunday December 15, 2013, 1:19 am
TY noted.

Carmen S (611)
Sunday December 15, 2013, 7:24 pm
Thanks for sharing this, Kit.

John B (185)
Monday December 16, 2013, 3:59 am
Andy's the BEST. Thanks Kit for sharing it here on C2NN Noted
Or, log in with your
Facebook account:
Please add your comment: (plain text only please. Allowable HTML: <a>)

Track Comments: Notify me with a personal message when other people comment on this story

Loading Noted By...Please Wait


butterfly credits on the news network

  • credits for vetting a newly submitted story
  • credits for vetting any other story
  • credits for leaving a comment
learn more

Most Active Today in Society & Culture

Content and comments expressed here are the opinions of Care2 users and not necessarily that of or its affiliates.

New to Care2? Start Here.