Beware Of The
Friday 13th Virus recalibrate your refrigerator's
coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty.
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards,
screw up the tracking on your television
and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank.
It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on
the coffee table when company comes over.
It will put a dead aardvark in the back pocket of your good suit pants
and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Friday 13th Virus will make you fall in love with a penguin.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both
your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back
and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.
It moves your car randomly around
parking lots so you can't find it.
It will leave libidinous messages on your
boss's voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Friday 13th Virus will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up.
It will leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to
chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
Friday 13th Virus will cause your cakes to fall
and your blood pressure to rise.
It will increase the ability of your radio to pick up
reactionary talk stations at the expense of others.
It prevents scurvy, but it gives you mega garlic breath
as it does so, which makes the net results negative.
It cheats at Scrabble.
It can forge your signature.
It plays the bagpipes in your basement.
It shaves over your bathroom sink and then
leaves the hair to clog your drain.
It does bad celebrity impersonations
in front of your friends.
You haven't viewed any cards recently.