10 Reasons You’re Probably Going to Hell

I’m a non-believer, and it’s not uncommon for believers to tell me that I’m going to hell. (For my own benefit, of course!) I brush these comments off, because, hey. What can you do? The kind of people who tell me I’m going to hell are probably not about to listen to reason. I mean, it’s not like people are just walking around, sinning against God. Nope. It’s just us heathens. Oh wait. There are a million wacko sins out there. Here are a few in order of how hard they make me laugh.



1. Divorce. According to Mark 10:11-12:

He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her.  And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

OK, this isn’t funny at all. Except how hilariously common divorce is. But seriously. Don’t get divorced, because then if you ever get married again you’re committing adultery. Which, if I remember right, is like, one of the big 10 no-nos. When you say “til death do we part,” you’d better really mean it.


kevin dooley/flickr

2. Women speaking in church. It’s not your husband’s fault! It’s God! It’s all right there in 1 Corinthians 14:34-35:

Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.

Look, God needed a woman to actually birth the Lord, but that doesn’t mean he wants to hear her yammer on and on. Ladies, God needs you to shut your yapper for five minutes so he can hear the thoughts and prayers of the men folk. You can talk at home, where you belong.


Nuno Duarte/flickr

3. Dancing. In Galatians 5:19-21:

Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God….

OK, OK. This one isn’t really fair. There are several verses to support pro and con positions. But John Lithgow is a powerful force, and when he said no dancing there is no dancing. Until Kevin Bacon liberates us!



4. Harry Potter. OK, any magic. The Bible is pretty clear on this one. According to Exodus 22:18

Do not allow a sorceress to live.

Yikes! Because it doesn’t matter what you do with it, or that it’s not real. Harry’s going to have to bunk with Draco in hell, which would either be the best or worst sitcom on ABC Family.



5. Christmas trees. Jeremiah 10:2-4:

This is what the Lord says:

Do not learn the ways of the nations
or be terrified by signs in the heavens,
though the nations are terrified by them.
For the practices of the peoples are worthless;
they cut a tree out of the forest,
and a craftsman shapes it with his chisel.
They adorn it with silver and gold;
they fasten it with hammer and nails
so it will not totter.

Only heathens cut down trees and decorate them! No silver. No gold. No tottering prevention. Although, to be fair, the Bible is silent on plastic trees, so those are probably cool.


6. Wasting seed. And by seed I mean semen. Stand back while the Bible gets a little kinky in Genesis 38:9-10:

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.

To be honest, I only laugh at this because I have the emotional maturity of a 13-year-old boy. I’m almost inclined to give this one a pass because it spawned (hur hur) the classic Monty Python skit above.



7. Wearing gold. This is a new one. I guess I don’t read Timothy 2:9-10 as often as I should.

In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;

But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.

Oh yeah, and this is one of those that just applies to women. Because…reasons? God doesn’t like slutty women, I guess.


8. Haircuts. Leviticus says, “Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.” Oh man…Brooklyn hipsters are in for a world of hurt.



9. Being Lady Gaga. OK, this is a Westboro Baptist Church thing. God is suspiciously silent on sin status of being Lady Gaga. But the Phelps’ seem pretty sure. She’s evidently the “devil spawn,” evidently. I think they might be trolling themselves.



10. Being a Nerd. Another WBC thing. This time they are coming after me and my people. The nerds will not inherit the Earth! We are idolaters! Because we worship Batman and Superman, apparently. And Isaiah 2:8:

Their land is filled with idols;
they bow down to the work of their hands,
to what their own fingers have made.

Ah well. Fair is fair.


Related Posts:

The Religious Right Deems Unions Sinful


Top image: Danielle Walquist Lynch


Lesa D
Lesa D5 months ago

no lakes of fire no chains of ice...

Dennis D.
Past Member 5 years ago

Pam w. Not half as funny as this Wiccan having to explain christianity to a christian.

Kathy Perez
Kathy Johnson5 years ago

Religion is laughable. And sad. And hilarious. It would be more hilarious if its followers could mind their business and read their book of filth to themselves, instead of polluting the Earth with it. Punishment if you rape a woman? You have to marry her (what?!? thats just too terrible a punishment!) and its totally okay to rape women and sell them just so long as they are virgins, none of those married women, pregnant women, or sluts right? thats just icky. Yea the Book is trash... historically inaccurate trash that encourages seemingly semi normal people to believe that snakes and donkeys can talk, that flying horses will come from a pit, dead people will dig themselves out of graves and walk about, and that some long haired white, brown haired blue eyed hippie came from the middle east to save us all... oh and that his dad who is also him hates gays. and shrimp

Dale O.

I know someone who seems to be tormented over the many things that he hears from whatever pastor of the month he hears on YouTube. He had listened to someone discussing a book about demons and for two months he was on high red alert and constantly worried about demons. Then some other flavour of the month appeared...some pastor said that having tarot cards and reading horoscopes is and smoking is against the Bible and he tossed his tarot cards out. He occasionally dabbled in them. He wanted me to throw mine out… in fact he offered me fifty dollars for my cards.

Dale O.

I don't use them, just happened to like the artistic designs on them, they are a curiosity. He now refuses to read horoscopes because he believes that God is against that. He stopped smoking cigars and he smoked around three a week. He is always worried about going to heaven and I just say that as long as you are a good person at heart then what is the problem? He just goes on and on about how being a good person is ‘not enough’. I thought religion was supposed to bring about some feeling of serenity, but for him, obviously not. He is always on guard.

Dale O.

Hellishly amusing. Any chance of melting a Canadian winter or do I have to wait until Hell freezes over?

mary k.
mary k5 years ago

you can't teach us anything, you like to dish it out, but you definitely cannot take it.

pam w.
pam w5 years ago

ADAM----I AM! I've often found it ironic that THIS atheist knows more about biblical passages than those cherry-picking Christians! (That's because I was raised in the faith and came to realize the ludicrous ideas in the texts. Jesus was ok...although even he said some horrendous things about leaving one's family, etc...I suspect he didn't know anyone would be listening, 2000 years later!)

Anyway, you're absolutely right about Jonathan's picking and choosing. These ''bible bangers'' should pay more attention to we atheists....we can teach them things.

Adam Costello
.5 years ago

Jonathon - If you believe in science and the big bang and evolution then how do you reconcile yourself as a christian? The bible say that the world was built in 7 days not via big bang and evolution. You can only argue that we shouldn't take it as a literal 7 days but as a metaphorical expression in which case you are reinterpreting the bible which makes you either a prophet or a hypocrite because no where in the bible does it say you can reinterpret it, it's all about how he is THE WORD and THE LIGHT and how you should follow the word, but if you can show me the scripture that say you can rewrite the bible I will publicly apologise. It sounds to me that you want to enjoy all the mod cons of science but cherry pick what you want out of the bible for your own needs. You either need to follow all of the bible to call yourself a christian, not cherry pick what is convenient. And if your not following all of the bible then I'm sorry to say that your going to hell jonathon.
Anyone else picking up the irony of an atheist reminding a christian how to follow his religion

Kevin Brown
Kevin Brown5 years ago

Right Suba, you see as far as Jonathan is concerned, we have to ignore 2,000 years of hatred, murder, bigotry in the name of Christianity. We have to ignore the daily attempts, currently occurring, by so-called Christians to take away the rights of others and force their archaic beliefs and magic book on others.

We have to ignore all that and pretend it isn't happening or we become "judgmental, hateful, and ugly." Now of course this is coming from a guy whose every post has dripped with thinly-veiled insults and snarkiness.