US Officials: Only Unforeseen Disasters Can Make Nuclear Power Unsafe

The meltdown at the Fukushima plant in Japan has triggered a global reevaluation of the safety of nuclear power.

For years, hippies have protested the use of nuclear power, saying that it’s bad for the planet and the spiritual mojo of humans and animals everywhere.

But the US government is eager to convince people that nuclear power is as safe, and environmentally-friendly as solar and wind power. Officials are reasserting the security of the nation’s nuclear plants and seeking to address the accusations on hippie protest signs all over the country.

Officials from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission sought Thursday to reassure nervous Americans that U.S. reactors were 100 percent safe and posed absolutely no threat to the public health as long as no unforeseeable system failure or sudden accident were to occur.

“Those protest signs really irk me,” said NRC chairman Gregory Jaczko, motioning to the dreadlocked crowd that was chanting outside his office.

“Hippies need to realize that with the advanced safeguards we have in place, the nuclear facilities in this country could never, ever become a danger like those in Japan…unless, of course, our generators malfunctioned in an unexpected yet catastrophic manner, causing the fuel rods to melt down,” Jaczko continued.

According to the Commish, nuclear power is a clean, harmless energy source that could only lead to disaster if events were to unfold in the exact same way they did in Japan, or in a number of other terrifying and totally plausible scenarios that have taken place since the 1950s.

The best line of defense if something bad happens? Cross your fingers and listen to everything the goverment tells you. Definitely don’t stop drinking the tap water.

“When you consider all of our backup cooling processes, containment vessels, and contingency plans, you realize that, barring the fact that all of those safety measures could be wiped away in an instant by a natural disaster or electrical error, our reactors are indestructible” Jaczko added that U.S. nuclear power plants were also completely guarded against any and all terrorist attacks, except those no one could have predicted.

If you’ve read this far without realizing this post is a joke, April Fools!

[Source: The Onion]

Take Action: Sign the petition to tell President Obama to stop subsidizing nuclear energy.


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Patricia Howard
Patricia Howard6 years ago

It's foolish to think we could live with only solar and wind power sources?

Bill K.
Bill K6 years ago

and yet the unforeseen continues to happen

gerlinde p.
gerlinde p6 years ago

petition signed unforeseen disasters can happen anytime

Susan T.
Susan Thompson T6 years ago

Keyword "UNSEE-ABLE" That is the key word that negates the entire statement of "100% safe".

Gee, that hurricane came out of nowhere! I know we had a week to prepare but who knew? Plus we don't have an SOP for Hurricanes. This facility was built by a Oregon contractor. They don't have hurricanes. ETC>

Ernie Miller
william Miller6 years ago

Damn! am I going to have to cut my hair? it protects my neck from sun burn. The problem is with his statement there is always the posibility of a desaster either natural or man made!. as a matter of face other than the bombs being droped every nucler desaster was from a desaster either caused by nature or a man made mistake. In short he agrees we are all doomed.

Brenda Towers
Brenda Towers6 years ago

Oops! It appears I've just become a hippy! Wow!

Brenda Towers
Brenda Towers6 years ago

And this is supposed to make us feel safe?

Susan T.
Susan T6 years ago


Anyone categorizing anti-nuclear protesters as "hippies" is out of touch with reality. The anti-nuke movement has grown up, and spans multi-generations and everyone from 2nd generation organic farmers to tech savvy young web masters.

Even if we accepted the Homer Simpson-like assertion that only something unimaginable could cause a problem (sound familiar? Think Rumsfeld - "There are knowns, known unknowns and the unknown unknowns". Yeah. How'd that one turn out?), these guys have not figured out, over the 30 years the industry has been operating, how to safely dispose of the nuclear waste. BIG PROBLEM. IT'S TOXIC FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

The industry is also not financially viable on its own and is totally dependent on corporate welfare from the government. No private insurer will insure a nuclear power plant.

Sorry but I want my corporate welfare payments to go to solar and wind projects.

Sarah Zemke
Sarah Z6 years ago

Thank you

john smith
john smith6 years ago

I went a little too far in my comment, and am really only seeing Mr. Krohn as a symbol of the nuclear industry. And not directed toward him, personally.