10 Critical Questions Before Saying ‘I Do’

The old saying goes ďMarry in haste and repent in leisure.Ē Besides the decision to have children, whom you marry is the most important decision of a personís life. Yet, as we approach wedding season, so many are careless when it comes to how they choose a mate for life. Ben Franklin once said that we should choose our shoes and our bed wisely because we will be in one or the other all our lives. I would add marriage to this as well. One of my patients once said to me that marriage was relentless. That struck me at the time, and after 20-plus years of marriage I believe it to be exactly that: relentless. That doesnít mean it is a negative thing, but we are encountering the same person on a daily basis for perhaps the rest of our lives and that can indeed be daunting.

So, when we are in the throes of infatuation, lust and everything just seems so nice, we must take a moment to step back, be objective, and ask a few important questions.

1. Do you think marriage is going to fix whatís ailing in your relationship? Hereís a truth that you may not want to accept: Problems in a relationship before marriage tend to exacerbate after marriage. When couples fall into routines and thereís less charm and attraction to each other through daily living, thereís also less attention paid to solving conflicts. If you think that somehow after a wedding ring is added into the mix, that your partner will be better for you, think again. Putting marriage before the relationship is a psychological cart-before-the-horse kind of argument. Couples on the verge of marriage need to ask themselves why they are moving towards the finish line. Couples are wise to make sure they get pre-marital counseling so the kinks can be ironed out, along with developing good conflict resolution skills.

2. Do you want ďitĒ and not me? Women dream of getting married from the time they are little girls and men get that same Hollywood version of marriage with the love at first sight scenario played out in romantic comedies and music. But letís face it: women get it in spades. In our culture, men are judged on how successful they are and women for whom they marry. Itís not exactly fair but then what is? So, many women are so hell bent on getting married they can easily overlook negative qualities that may drive them ’round the bend later on. The startling statistic that John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles of a Happy Marriage, arrived at after interviewing 12,000 couples was that 80 percent of marriages fail because men will not accept the influence of the woman. Attention women: this speaks volumes about what women let pass as status quo or acceptable to them. Just finding someone who is gorgeous, rich or simply cool is not the ultimate answer to wedded bliss over a lifetime.

3. How did your parents treat each other? History repeats itself, so the saying goes. Our family history certainly does when it comes to marriage. I canít tell you the number of times I have made reference to how someone is being treated exactly how their parents treated each other. He is just like his father, she is just like her mother, ďthatís how your parents treated each otherĒ comes out of my mouth on a weekly basis to the couples in my office. We will automatically repeat the same behaviors we witnessed growing up, or in the absence of a parent, there will be some anger to consider. So, knowing where your mate comes from is essential if you want to know what is on the menu for their behavior. Can you accept that behavior or predict how they will treat you? Look at how a man treats his mother and thatís a good indication of how the wife will be treated by him.

4. What do you think marriage is supposed to be like? Checking out the fantasy levels about what marriage should be like to both parties will save a lot of grief later on. If your mate believes that they should be given breakfast in bed every morning and you should shine their shoes, they are in for a rude awakening. Getting our marriage dreams to fit into reality is a must on the marriage to-do list. Take some time to ask about what each of you expect from the marriage before you get into something you will have a hard time getting out of.

5. Do you want children and how many? This is something that couples donít always examine and agree on before they get married. It can have a serious impact on whether you want to tie the knot, especially in regard to how children affect finances, religion, family and lifestyle. Making sure your family values are lined up is the best way to start out your lives on the same page. Do the talking before someone does the walking; it will help immensely later on.

6. What role does religion play in your lives? During courtship, religion is often off the table. But once people get married, the future and your respective upbringing in religion, along with your family of originís religion and their desires for tradition become more influential on your relationship. How will the holidays be handled? What family do you celebrate with? If you are from different religions and traditions, then you will need to talk about this before the nuptials and before children are born.

7. Do you want a traditional or non-traditional marriage? Different ideas about what kind of marriage you want can be very divisive, if you donít agree. If the wife sees her role as the home-maker but the husband sees the wifeís role as another income, you will be in trouble. What do you want to do after children come or when parents become sick or elderly? What is your relationship to money, saving, spending and investing? Making these decisions early on is critical to relationship harmony.

8. How much do you want our families involved in your lives? How much families are involved in your lives is a very important to understand from the beginning. Having Mom or Dad over every weekend or daily and how the quality of those relationships will affect lifestyles is important to know going in. Do you like the family of your spouse? How involved are they? How often do they want to get together? What are the relationships like with other siblings? All these questions will influence the outcome of your marriage.

9. How would you resolve a disagreement? The most important skill for any couple is how well they resolve conflicts. The most important elements in a happy marriage are: Are they willing to look at their part in a conflict? Do they need to be right? Are they defensive, critical, sarcastic or do they turn off during arguments? Are they forgiving, tolerant, understanding, tender and empathic? These are the most critical elements for long-term happiness and contentment in a marriage. If you have these qualities in a mate, you will find your way through any difficulty.

10. Is there any history of difficulty with drugs, alcohol or infidelity? Courtships are one long party so we can easily overlook drug and alcohol problems. Have you asked about their history before they met you? People with issues like these will have problems with intimacy, holding jobs and being faithful. These are deal-breakers. If you think you can change the other person, think again. For sure, we canít change anyone. We better accept them for who they are, because more than likely itís not going to change much unless they decide they want to. Even then, itís not easy.

After you have found out the answers to these questions, make up a few of your own. If you find the answers to your liking, then it may be time to start planning your future together. Forewarned is forearmed. Take nothing for granted and keep your powder dry. Marriage isnít for sissies, but if handled with love and care, itís the only real game in town.

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Sandra Chali
Past Member 4 years ago

When I married my husband I was already pregnant and so I didn't have a job. He had a really good job though so I was able to stay home and take care of our son when it was born. When we had our second child we moved to a bigger house, but then strange things started to happen. Things would fly off the walls and doors would slam at night. Our oldest son talked about seeing figures and hearing voices. We consulted a medium and they said the house was haunted. After living there about a year more with only minor occurrences we moved out. That was when the bad luck started to happen. Everything started to fail, with my husband's job, our money and our luck in general. I went back to the same medium and they told me that a spirit had followed me and placed a curse upon me for disturbing it and not being respectful in the previous house. He tried to remove it but was unable. The misfortune kept going on and getting more severe as I tried to search out someone to break the curse. But when I found Dr.Azonto spell he finally did it. Things started turning around almost immediately after he cast the spell and have been great from there! This was really a miracle for us, thank you . azontotemple@yahoo.com spell from the bottom of my heart!
Posted by. miss Sandra Chali

Jaspa H.
Past Member 4 years ago

I had been all over the internet trying to find someone who could help me out with my situation, I loved my my husband so much but he never loved me rather he goes out with other females then one day I found dr.marnish@yahoo.com in the internet where he had helped many women who had the same issue with me, when i contacted him he said he will help me and just as he said. my husband concentrated fully on me and he stopped all his bad habit I was astounded because so many say they are the best but can't back it. but dr.marnish really surprised me till today, his love spell not only brought my husband back but also the spell made my husband to change to a good man
jaspa haggings

Huber F.
Huber F5 years ago


Christina Felan
Christina Felan5 years ago

Great article.

Veronica C.
Veronica C5 years ago

Honest answers would cause a lot of breakups, but a lot of couples couldn't really answer honestly because love can be blind. The clarity comes in the hindsight, too late.

Amber Beasley
Amber Beasley5 years ago

Jane, stop assuming that everyone is the same, and they are all the way you think they are. just because you don't know anyone who is married to the right person for them that they love and are completely happy, doesn't mean that doesn't exist. there are so many people who do not think the way you claim everyone thinks and that do not marry the wrong person. I married the most amazing man I have ever met, he is selfless, compassionate, incredibly patient, and many many other things. we both love God and each other more than anything, and we are as happy as we could ever be. just because a lot of people are the way you think they are, not everyone is. you should really stop and listen to other people and get other perspectives.

Abbe A.
Azaima A5 years ago

Helpful to be honest sooner than later.

Jane Barton
Jane Barton5 years ago

"Simply because they are so enamored with the looks of a potential partner."

Herein lies why everyone is so CONFUSED about "love" and "marriage".
1) Our frontal "thinking" brains do NOT pick our mate, the base of our brain does, i.e. our
reptilian brain where our SEX DRIVE RESIDES picks and our thinking brain "SHUTS
DOWN". THAT'S why everybody picks the WRONG person.
2) Since the choice of our mate is selected by our "heart", i.e., our sex drive, we "pick"
based entirely on "LOOKS" and sometimes "smell" and "touch" enters into it too. It's
entirely a chemical, hormonal reaction between two people that triggers brain chemicals
that are released in the bloodstream and that "cause" those "feelings" of love.
3) Many times opposites attract and women disregard ALL red flags because she's "in love."
4) Women tend to believe fairy tales that she can "change" a man. That never happens.
The "love" feelings wear off after a year or so and the stresses of everyday life build until
it overwhelmes even the best of us. At that point the "relationship" is over.
5) In the insane world of the past, people stayed in unhappy marriages because they were
forced to for financial reasons. Nowadays people don't have to put up with unhappiness
because they have more options in life. With an 85% divorce rate, it may be better to just
avoid marriage altogether than lay around working out endless pages of what "could" g

Shan D.
Shan D5 years ago

"Excellent article and if people would treat the dating process a little more like an interview then just as any employer, the red flags would be spotted and the best alternatives can be arose at, thus the simple fact of wasting your time and energies on what is a doomed from the beginning." - Elaine A. -

I don't know if you're married, single, dating, etc., but if you're not in a current relationship, do you keep copies of your social and professional resumes handy to give to any guy you meet? Do you require the same of him? Just wondering, based on your very businesslike approach to this issue.

Dany Strakova
Dany Strakova5 years ago

wise advice! thanks