10 Rules For Fighting With Your Partner

By Susan Heitler, Ph.D. for YourTango.com.

In relationships, we all have our fights; and having the occasional heated debate between you and your significant other is even healthy. But when these fights cross into full-blown blow-ups, the argument can quickly get out of hand. Follow these ten tips for effective anger management if you want to enjoy a lasting, loving relationship.

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1. Know when to make an exit. Remove yourself from a situation you can’t handle. If you can’t gracefully leave the room, gracefully change the topic.

2. Exit earlier than you think you need to. Exit when your anger is at a level three on a scale up to ten. By the time you’re up over level four, exits will become increasingly difficult. Self-righteous indignation will propel you to keep trying to prove your point and will make your wants seem all-important. (As a friend of mine once put it, “My anger makes what I want feel holy and what you want totally insignificant.”)

3. Change your focus. Phew. You’ve separated yourself from that situation you couldn’t handle. Now what? Focus on something other than what you were mad about. Avoid further thoughts about the person.

4. Evoke peace and laughter. Find something to think about that evokes calm images or even laughter. Close your eyes and picture yourself on a beach.

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5. Breathe deeply. Clear the air emotionally by clearing the physical air in your lungs. The same slow, deep breathing that helps when you’re falling asleep in bed can bring cooling energy to you when you’re trying to douse your inner fire.

6. Relax your muscles. Hang your arms limply. Focus especially on relaxing the little muscles around your mouth and eyes.

7. Put on a smile. Even if you have to force yourself — just smile. Smiles soothe (even fake ones), and bring forth positive thoughts and feelings of gratitude or affection.

8. Test the waters. Before you try addressing the issue again, prepare by picturing yourself offering gestures of niceness. Plan to talk about pleasant topics before resuming the tough one. Be sure that you and your partner are securely back in an emotionally light zone before venturing again into sensitive realms.

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9. Make agreements. Re-launch the tough topic by agreeing points made by your significant other. Start the conversation by saying empathetically, “I agree that we’ve put this issue on the back burner.”

10. Talk through the problem calmly and effectively, listening to the other person’s point of view. Share your concerns on the tough issue, but keep your tone relaxed and collaborative, and look for solutions that work for both of you. This final tip has a number of subtleties to keep in mind. Transition your sentences using the phrase “and at the same time” and not the word “but.” (For example, “And at the same time, my concern is … “) The word “and” is collaborative; “but” deletes whatever was said just before and consequently could knock you both back into adversarial hostile stances.

The goal is to add your perspective by quietly explaining your concerns, not insisting on particular solutions like a child having a temper tantrum (not sexy). These tips have focused mostly on what to do, all of which involve focus on yourself, on calming distracting thoughts or on how to improve the situation. Stay clear of accusing and blaming. Focusing on what you don’t like about what the other person has done will only cause more relationship problems. Learn these techniques of self-soothing, plus all you can about how to communicate in intimate relationships and you just might find yourself much highly successful in making your relationships last. With the ability to prevent and also to fix marriage and other relationship problems, you may even find yourself feeling increasingly secure and self-confident.

Susan Heitler, Ph.D. is author of the “Power of Two” book, workbook and web-based relationship program that teaches the skills for sustaining strong and loving partnerships.

This article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 10 Rules For Fighting Couples.


Kathy Perez
Kathy Johnson5 years ago

I am lucky, my guy and I rarely have "arguments"... he's never yelled at me. we are both so laid back, so arguments just don't come up. On occasion we will get into it, usually bc one or both of us are tired or irritable or really stressed, but it's never anything more than making a comment or two then apologizing and feeling sorry 10 mins later.

Richard T.
Richard T5 years ago


Elizabeth O.
Elizabeth O5 years ago

Thanks for the article.

Debbi Ryan
Deb Ryan5 years ago


mary r.
Mary R5 years ago


Vivian Birdwell
Vivian B5 years ago

Good advice!! My husband and I rarely argue, let alone fight. I am so glad we got that out of our systems when we were younger! We have been together for 25 years and have got the arguing part down pat. When one gets angry, the other leaves the room till we can solve our problems calmly!
Thanks for the tips!!

Joanne A.
Joanne A5 years ago

Thanks for the tips

d b
wiz wi5 years ago

making up afterward is the best bit?

Valerie A.
Valerie A5 years ago


N R C5 years ago

DUH....very important thing to remember.....THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK !!!