Ask the Loveologist: Lasting Longer?

My partner and I have been together for a couple of years.† I really love him and I love to be intimate with him, but once things get going down there, it seems like it’s over as soon as it starts. I donít want to hurt his feelings, but I just canít seem to keep up.† Any ideas?

I really love my girlfriend and I want to last longer for her.† She has never complained to me about our sex together, but I feel like the whole thing just gets going and then she is off to shower.† I donít know if the problem is me or just a rushed pattern that we always get caught in. What can I do to make our lovemaking last longer?

As you can see, both men and women struggle with the problem of how long sexual encounters last. There are a couple of different issues that get wound together, even as couples as the question which taken one by one, helps to clarify what is a problem and what is a process. The first thing to ask both you and your partner is are you wanting sex that lasts longer or do you individually or collectively want to last longer during sex.
The first issue, of sex lasting longer, requires that both people agree on what sex means. How you define what being sexual means to you and your partner will help to clarify what you both are invested in extending. For most people when they reflect on their sex life,† it is more than intercourse that they think about.

The best way to work on sexual issues is to expand our ability to think about what we are trying to extend.† Consider these questions:

  • What part of† your sexual interaction is most pleasurable and you would like to make longer?
  • Is it your body that gives out in some way, or your mind that loses focus and ability to concentrate on your experience?
  • Many couples jump to the place of believing that the man is responsible for how long sex lasts, and many men have unfounded high levels of anxiety about not being able to last long enough.† It is not uncommon to approach this issue with the belief that one person in the couple can/should control how long the intimacy lasts.† Taking a team approach to the issue changes the focus and creates a space where both partners can feel responsible and like equal participants in the sex they are creating.

    This is the work of learning both to understand what you enjoy and finding a language to communicate it.† Maybe more foreplay is enough to even out the timing for one partner, maybe a slower more even pace of intercourse will help someone else stay more connected to their partner.

    Unpacking the mystery of sexuality with words might not seem sexy,† but the best and most successful sexual partners will tell you that being able to talk about their own experience and being curious about their partners is foundational to all other pleasure explorations.†† The best way to change a sexual pattern is for both partners to take responsibility for their side.† Any sexual issue that lives as the burden of only one partner is trouble that will affect much more than the bedroom intimacy.

    It is easy to get caught up in erroneous beliefs about our sexuality and not even know it is happening. Fears about penis size, premature ejaculation and an inability to orgasm are all variations on the same theme of sexual anxiety that plagues more people than not.†† Having the courage to explore what you want to extend in your sex life with your partner is a powerful antidote to sexual anxiety.† Figuring out what parts of lovemaking that you want to extend and doing more of those things is an easy and direct way to build confidence in your lovemaking and your partnership.

    I have always counseled my customers about extending their lovemaking time as I would explain our different product lines.† The truth is that an additional ten minutes spent loving someone physically can change your world. Taking your time, owning your own sense of pleasure and being curious about your partners are simple healing tools with the power to reshape your sex life.


    Emma S.
    Emma S6 years ago

    Thanks - very sensible article and comments (apart from the rather upset Teresa).

    Henry Nguyen
    Henry Nguyen7 years ago

    Thank you for all the info and comments, this is good education

    johan l.
    paul l7 years ago

    Rule no. 1 is to be able to talk about sex/intercourse/orgasm, freely!
    There are many books available that will aid your sexlife.
    There are many couples that watch pornography to stimulate the sexdeed.
    However, invariably one partner, usually the woman gets tired of watching pornography.
    Not all, mind!
    Ladies, do not feel bad if people say the "G-spot" as the be all end all because many doctors concentrating on the physical say there is no such thing.
    It is only the imagination of women, and men as well who feel bad not having found the illusive "g-spot"
    More foreplay definitely helps and as men normally reach orgasm first, it is many times advisable to play with your lady till she gets an orgasm.
    After that, you men can have sex with your partner, without feeling anxious.
    There are unfortunately women that never reach a climax, being fingered or not. For those women assuming the 69 position, often helps you reach a climax.
    And don't tell me you find this a dirty practice. If you really love each other, you should be keen on kissing each other all over.
    Nuff said!

    Andrea M.
    Andrea M7 years ago

    Thanks so much for this wonderful article. Helpful information about a subject that is sometimes hard to talk about.

    Beng Kiat Low
    low beng kiat7 years ago


    Jamie Clemons
    Jamie Clemons7 years ago

    more play

    Steve R.
    Steve R7 years ago

    At the age of 50 something, I finally realized that the answer to feminine satisfaction is for a woman to take control of her own pleasure.

    Please listen ladies. We men have no idea!!!! We don't know what you're feeling, we don't know if we're hitting the right spot, we don't even know if you've really had enough foreplay/afterplay.

    YOU have to be in comtrol if YOU are going to achieve complete satisfaction. YOU know exactly how you're feeling and if it's going to result in an orgasm for you.

    Don't worry about your man - trust me - just about anything you do will feel good to him.

    And once you have achieved your climax - he WILL achieve his. Men almost always do.

    How do I know this? I'm on my 3rd marriage and FINALLY - my wife is one of those women - she takes complete control of her own orgasm, she does not rely on me.

    The first two placed an awful amount of pressure and anxiety on me because they had no idea. It was my job to satisfy them, and the result was that they were seldom satisfied.

    Mac R.
    Mac R7 years ago

    I feel sorry for Teresa. Unfortunately, our culture is so uptight about sex that many, many people think just like she does, that sex is so disgusting and dirty that even talking about it in 'clinical' terms here among adults is like pornography to her.

    For something so integral to all of our lives in so many areas, it's really tragic that religion and politics et al have made this vital subject almost impossible to talk about rationally, with each other, let alone on a forum with others.

    Thank goodness there are people like Wendy who make it their mission in life to help declutter the subject and help people focus on the things that actually affect couples.

    Read things and discuss them with your partner! Quite often once you find out that your problems/hangups/fears are more common than you thought, it makes them less potent (no pun there!) and easier to confront and cure.

    Sex is NOT dirty or bad, and it's NOT just for procreation anymore! If you have a healthy approach to sex with each other it's pleasurable and good for your mind and body in many ways! Sexual activity has quite a few very beneficial effects on the body and the mind. And as I always say, sex is about 10% physical and 90% mental.

    Tracy Morison
    Tracy Morison7 years ago

    This is great, thanks!!

    Heather A.
    Heather A7 years ago

    Teresa W. - Sorry hun, this ain't pornography by any definition. It doesn't even come close to being pornography.