Creating and Procreating: Owning What Wants to be Born

Iíve been thinking about having another baby for four years now. Because I was the ripe old age of 36 when my daughter Siena was born, we started talking about it right away. In fact, my husband and I were so certain we were meant to have at least one more baby that I took my IUD out when Siena was eight months old and we were all ready to go at it again.

Then my stay-home Daddy husband cut two fingers off his left hand with a table saw and all hell broke loose. So we tabled the idea for at least a year, because Matt had pins in his hand from 8 hours of surgery and couldnít even change a diaper. Then he had to get two more surgeries. Then we were switching health insurance plans, so I couldnít get pregnant. It was literally one thing after another.

But Iíve finally come to a certain peace about the fact that I donít think I will be having another child (sniff, dab). Now, Iím almost 41 and it just seems like the time has passed, and Iím okay with that. But thereís this little pang when I think about it. Itís almost enough to make me rethink my decision to put my IUD back inÖbut not quite. Recently, I was talking to a friend and I realized that Iíve been gestating and giving birth for over four years now- and Iím a little tired. In the past four years, I’ve been busy giving birth to ME.

How it all came to pass

It all started January 6, 2006, when Siena was born. By the spring of that year, the idea that I might leave my job as a full-time OB/GYN was planted, and by later that year, I had taken a Pleap (Pink leap of faith) by quitting my job. I spent most of 2007 gestating what a truly whole health medical practice could look like and dreaming about being of service in a whole new way. That same year, I wrote a memoir. In 2008, I joined an integrative health practice and nurtured the little seed in me until it blossomed. In 2008, I grew Owning Pink in my belly and gave birth to it in April 2009. In December 2009, I gave birth to two more books. Now, Iím about to do it all again by starting the Owning Pink Center in April 2010. And then, Iíll write my next book.

What wants to come through?

Which leaves me with little time or energy for allowing a baby spirit to grow into a human being inside my womb. With this realization comes more than a wee bit of angst. Am I being selfish for denying my daughter the opportunity to have a sibling? Have I become a work-aholic with no balance in life? Am I expending my creative energy wisely or might I be better off slowing down and growing my family?

To be honest, I just donít know. All I know is that the urge to create businesses and books seems to be stronger for me than the urge to procreate. And since I already feel torn between my commitment to serving my patients and Owning Pink and my commitment to motherhood, my inclination is to protect myself from feeling torn even further. Why create more conflict for myself?


Some might judge this as un-feminine. They might think Iím a bad mama or that my priorities are not straight. And theyíre welcome to their opinion. But me? Iíve just gotta OWN it. It is what it is. Thatís how I feel, that God is using me as a vessel to give birth to other creations, that every book, every blog post, every workshop, every patient encounter is a co-creation between the two of us, that I am becoming a mother over and over again, every time I tap into the divine spark and create something new.

And yet it doesnít look how others expect it to look. Iím not feeding new blonde beings into the Mill Valley preschool system. Iím not buying new pink clothes for a sister for Siena. Iím not sitting in the stirrups pushing a baby out into this world. But damn, it sure feels like I am. I feel like I mother at least a dozen new creations right now. Which leaves me feeling like I donít need to get pregnant again to serve my lifeís purpose.


Believe me- others feel differently. My mother would love to have another grandchild. Sienaís preschool teacher would love to meet a baby brother. Even some psychic a friend hired to read me said I had two more baby spirits waiting to get born. But I have to be okay with that. I have to live with the uncertainty, the possible regret, the fact that my family doesnít look exactly the way I imagined it when I was a little girl dreaming of white picket fences.

It all comes down to creation

Creation can get confusing, canít it? There are days when I canít tell how my creative forces are best expended. Should I dance with the Divine and co-create a new message to share with the world? Should I co-create a new series of art? Should I co-create new writings? Should I co-create another baby? It gets muddy, Iíll admit. I get confused as hell. We all just do the best we can and pray that what we create is done from a place of the highest intentions and the noblest part of our souls. Then we surrender to living in the muck.

What about you? Do you ever confuse your creative energy? Can you tell what youíre supposed to create next? Do you think giving birth to babies in any way resembles giving birth to businesses, art, writing, or other creative projects? Am I totally off my rocker here?

Letís talk about this. I honestly think itís such rich, juicy stuff. Giving birth is so inherently what we as females are all about that it nearly defines us. Yet, canít we expand our concept of what it means to bring life into the world? How many creations have you squelched to give birth to babies? How many babies have you neglected to have because you were busy in business? Are you so busy serving your community, your family, or your job that youíve forgotten to give birth to YOU?


Catherine Turley
Catherine Turley7 years ago

children are dropping like flies all over the world. why on earth would anyone have a baby. i just don't get it. i love kids, and had the urge to have kids. i chose against it because the world doesn't need more kids. we can't even take care of the ones we have.

Lika S.
Lika P7 years ago

I too, am 41, have a 10 year old son. I am engaged to a great guy, and we don't use birth control. I may be going through perimenopause, but, the way we figure is, if we get pregnant, we do. It's all about what nature intends for us. If we don't, we still have my boy, our cats, and my foundation to fight child abuse.

Dian B.
Dian B7 years ago

I think the decision you have made is the decision that is RIGHT FOR YOU, and that is the most important thing. As you say, you are giving birth to other things (writing and sharing your thoughts. wisdom, and ideas). If you change your mind and later on feel like you want to entertain the idea of having another child - you can. As you obviously as an OB/Gyn know too well. Fertility assistance can help you along that path in your 40's. I had my first child with embryo transplant (after a couple of miscarriages in my 30's) at age 46 and have just now at age 53 (after a subsequent miscarriage and couple of transplant failures) had a beautiful baby boy. Yes, I am an old mom, but would not change anything in the world. There was a lot of anxiety leading up to this, because of my age, but I had no serious complications with either birth and went full term with both. My daughter who is now 7, was begging for a sibling and we also desired to have another child, but sometimes I wondered if I was crazy to have another one at my age, but do not regret our decision. This leads me to the earlier statement that you have to do what is RIGHT FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. You are the only ones that truly know what is best for your lives.

Deborah Hladecek
Deborah H7 years ago

It's a shame there isn't more optimism about bringing new children into the world. I know the world doesn't seem like a great place anymore - but did it ever - for any generation? What if everyone during WW2, for instance, thought the world to be a hostile and negative place to bring children into? There must always be hope and optimism. I hope my son will bring a new optimism and perspective to the world to make changes for the betterment of all living things. We can't just give up. The world also has so much beauty in it. I like to think that we allow an opening for those spirits wishing to come here - despite our current feelings about the state of the world.

Marie Therese H.
Marie Therese H7 years ago

Like many women who wrote in, I had no children. My motherly instinct was spent on helping animals to survive. Right now I'm bottle feeding 3 kittens who were motherless....I do not regret not having children, I can leave this world without any worry.
This planet is no longer a good place to bring children in.

Janice P.
Janice P7 years ago

This topic addresses the dilemma before women, ever since we realized that we actually had choices in life. This is a very menial comparison, but let me say this. I used to paint for my parents. My parents were my Muse. Since my mother died, I have had no urge to paint until very, very recently. The loss of my Muse seems to have taken the joy out of it for me. But, within the last few weeks, I have felt an urge coming from deep inside me, to paint again. In part, that feeling has been kindled by one of my dear Care 2 friends, Alice, whose love of photography has given me a fresh perspective on my art. It has been bolstered of late by another friend, who is an artist and whom I assisted with an art show almost a week ago.

I thought that I would never paint again after the loss of my mother. But, I have come to believe that, if something is waiting to be born - whether it be a piece of artwork, a business, a hobby, or a baby, you will know it within yourself. You will feel it. It will beckon to you. If and when the time is right, you will know it. If that time never comes, you will know that, too. Trust your inner feelings. They will guide you. Listen to your heart of hearts. It will never lead you astray.

By the way, there is nothing wrong with being an only child. I am one. Although I have been extraordinarily lonely since my parents died, good friends have appeared in my life, to make me feel part of a group again. Life has a way of providing.

Elena M.
Elena M7 years ago

I've help a lot of babies (puppies and kittens) to come into this world. It feels fantastic! I consider them to be my babies.
But I've never wanted to have children of my own. Moreover, I don't like even to be around children. I don't like to be around such type of crazy parents who think that it should be the front page news every time their little darling farts. I decided to be a veterinarian when I was just 5 years old and I made commitment to my dream. I love my work very much and I just can't imagine to give up on emergency house call because of being tied down to feeding or other baby-related schedules. I do know for sure- having a baby would make me the most miserable woman on the Earth.
By the way, I am the only child in the family and I'm very happy about it! Most of my classmate had one sibling but most of them envied me because I was the only one in the class who had a cat and a dog! They wanted to go to walk the dog with me but no one wanted to walk with someone's sibling.

Monica D.
Monica D7 years ago

Having one child and no more is one of the biggest things that we can do to tread lightly on the Earth.

Carol C.
Carol C7 years ago

Girl!! i had a last and unexpected child at age 40.. with a 18/15 yr. difference with her older brother and sister.. talk about starting over!! i am very glad you have been able to focus your energy into a positive and productive way, but don't rule out another child completely... trust the Lord to do what is right for you and your family... BTW- the "little blessing" is now 16 and doing fine!

Debbie Sepulveda
Debbie Sepulveda7 years ago

At 45 I had my son (love of my life) 26 years after having my daughter. I think it depends on the persons health if they should/can have a child. ME personally was in excellent health, had a wonderful pregnancy and had a perfectly healthy baby boy. I weigh 120 lbs and am very active with my son. So not every one in there fortys is unhealthy, in fact there are far more healthy forty somethings now than in the past. Again I wouldnt change a thing and I dont feel at all selfish, everything I do has my son in mind, this is the happiest time of my life...