Life After Divorce: Who Gets Custody of the Friends?

If there’s one life event that’ll shake out who your real friends are, it’s divorce. Still, many are caught by surprise when friendships crumble and people they thought they could count on seem to be taking sides, especially if it’s not their side. It’s hurtful and can make you do all the wrong things.

So, what should you do about it? Certified Divorce Coach Debbie Martinez says that despite your own problems, you need to put yourself in your friends’ place. “Friends have their own challenges. They also find themselves stuck having to make uncomfortable decisions. Don’t get stuck trying to prove yourself to your friends.”

The Friends You Lose

The key, Ms. Martinez tells Care2, is to remember that “friends are real people with emotions of their own. You don’t want to put them in a position that makes them feel awkward or uncomfortable. If they cherish the friendship enough they will remain your friend. If they don’t, you don’t want that person as a lifelong friend.

“You can’t control your friends or who they side with. You will lose friends. Your world as you knew it is no longer, and that includes your family, your kids, and your friends. Be sad about it, but don’t stay in that place — accept the choices other people make. These people were your friends for a time. If they’re choosing to go with your ex, that’s okay. Grieve it and move on.”

The Toxic Ex

What about the toxic, narcissistic ex who works to have everybody on their side? You can’t help but feel like it’s an uphill battle. “But why are you battling at all?” asks Martinez. “If they want to go with the ex, then let them go. Don’t add fuel to the fire. If your spouse is trying to sabotage your friendships, don’t worry about it. If your friends are that easily sabotaged, you don’t want them in the first place. Change your perspective. Think of it as a natural weeding of your garden. At the end of the day, the flowers that remain will bloom the brightest.”

The Awkward Social Event

Your friends are throwing a party and they’ve invited you and the ex you don’t want to socialize with. Should you demand an explanation from your friends and tell them to un-invite the ex or you’re boycotting the event?

“Don’t put friends in the middle,” says Martinez. “If they feel they have to be politically correct and invite both of you, they’re trying to do the right thing. Give them credit for that. For you to call them on that is a surefire way to lose a friend. When you’re invited to a party where your ex will be, you don’t have to shy away. Just make sure your intentions are good intentions. Don’t go if you’ve got an ‘I’ll show him’ attitude. Don’t go if the evening is going to end with you in tears and feeling weak. Do go if you think you’ll have that empowering ‘I did it’ feeling. Only you can gauge that.”

The Friends You Keep and the Friends You Make

Martinez reminds us that we may never understand the choices other people make, but we do have to accept them. “Pain comes from trying to understand something you can’t wrap your head around and never will. It’s really painful to constantly look back. When you accept others’ choices, you can move forward and find new friends.”

She adds that “the friendships you keep are the friendships you’ll want to cherish, because they have stuck with you.” The good news is that once you move on, you can put your time and effort into cultivating new friends who want to be with you. Life will be different, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be good.


Related Reading
Loneliness Harms Health: Why You Need Friends
How To Move On From Your Divorce Blues
Do Animals Get Divorced?

Photo: Photographer/Collection Wavebreakmedia Ltd. | Thinkstock


Past Member
Past Member 3 months ago

When I married my husband I was already pregnant and so I didn't have a job. He had a really good job though so I was able to stay home and take care of our son when it was born. When we had our second child we moved to a bigger house, but then strange things started to happen. Things would fly off the walls and doors would slam at night. Our oldest son talked about seeing figures and hearing voices. We consulted a medium and they said the house was haunted. After living there about a year more with only minor occurrences we moved out. That was when the bad luck started to happen. Everything started to fail, with my husband's job, our money and our luck in general. I went back to the same medium and they told me that a spirit had followed me and placed a curse upon me for disturbing it and not being respectful in the previous house. He tried to remove it but was unable. The misfortune kept going on and getting more severe as I tried to search out someone to break the curse. But when I found Dr.JEKWU spell he finally did it. Things started turning around almost immediately after he cast the spell and have been great from there! This was really a miracle for us, thank you . spell from the bottom of my heart! contact him via email, Posted by. miss Sandra

Past Member
Past Member 3 months ago

My name is Oscar ,All thanks goes to Dr. OSUKO for saving my marriage from toning apart.i feel so grateful and only have good words about a powerful spell caster named DR.OSUKO who helped me bring back my wife. We had been apart for 4 months, at first I was thinking if I was doing the right thing by contacting a spell caster, but I so much love my wife and won't give her up for anything in this world. I decided to contact through his mail address I found on several testifiers messages online,and I told him about my situation, he laughed and told me my wife will be back to me in the next 48 hours. I felt it wasn't going to happen at first until my wife called me and was so eager to have me back more than anything on earth.. Now we are together and she cant do without me,and both of us are happy. I feel so happy sharing this testimony because there was no negative act attached to his work. His work was smooth and fast. Thanks to DR.OSUKO for bringing back happiness to my life. I swear with my life that DR.OSUKO is a man to trust and take your problems to. You can contact him on his e-mail if you really truly want your love back.:,,,

Jessica L
Jessica L2 years ago

My name is Jessica Luis, and I base in USA...My life is back!!! After 1 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids . I felt like my life was about to end i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a spell caster called Dr Mohammed, which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet,I came across allot of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. i also come across one particular testimony,it was about a woman called Sonia,she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 2 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped Dr Mohammed's e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 48hours, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before Dr Mohammed, is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man... If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems for you. Try High anytime, he might be the answer to your problems. Here's his contact: or call him +23481344

Melinda H.
Melinda H.2 years ago

I am from China, i and my husband has been separated for 8 months now, he was the love of my life and the father of my two kids. He went out with another lady. I tried love potions and voodoo magic and the Ancient Kama Sutra just to have him back him back home to love me and settle down with his family again, it doesn't work. I was so frustrated seeing all effort becoming waste, i was so lucky i heard about Dr Priest Okojie from the shango temple. I'm so happy he was the final solution to the problem i have been fighting for almost 6 months now. I will as well like all those who are having problems such as relationship issues, fertility problems and financial difficulties or simply you need a promotion in your carrier just contact email(shangosolutiontemple @ yahoo . com) Dr Okojie from the shango family temple and he will solve your problem with ease in just 4 days.

Bea W.
Bea Wilson4 years ago

Holy mackeral and a can of sardines! Getting divorced is like opening a can of worms. There isn't an easy solution for all the arising problems.

Truth Seeker
Spread Harmony4 years ago

What is the lasting impact of divorce and separation on the children of "failed" marriages?

In this critically acclaimed film, five young people sit down to discuss openly their parents' separation, often in the presence of both parents, and often asking important questions that have remained unsaid for years. A shocking and surprisingly uplifting insight into the reality of modern family life.

Ashley heffner
Lady Suki5 years ago

I understand battling it out over the children or pets, but friends?

Ashley heffner
Lady Suki5 years ago


Playerup Com
Playerup Com5 years ago

Shouldn't be difficult. Girls stick with girls. Guys stick with guys.

Jeannie N.
Jeannie N5 years ago

My husband lost a couple when he divorced his ex, they were like family to him but felt that his ex was more important to them. It has been over 7.5 years and he still hasn't recovered from the blow. He is very loyal and can't believe they chose. I think his ex made them choose honestly. It's too bad that we make others chose. I didn't. I had friends who divorced and I told them flat out, I loved them both and I wasn't choosing!