Loving Without Control

The key stances of letting go of control are all forms of allowing: Acceptance, tolerance, non-resistance. When control is ready to loosen its grip, a definite relaxation takes place. The façade of the demanding, critical partner who is so quick to blame begins to melt. You start to feel love once more, not as an idea but as a sensation in your heart. And at last you find it possible to allow.

When this stage is reached with the beloved, the healing process begins to branch out into other aspects of your life. The following changes will often be in evidence:

• You stop measuring people by whether they live up to your expectations. You begin to resist the urge to correct their mistakes and give unwanted advice.

• You lessen your habit of taking care of others without really caring for them.

• You become tired of trying to keep track of every detail of your life and bored with people who have always given in to you.

• You begin to listen to objections and disagreements instead of using them to trigger your own opinion.

• Unexpected emotions come to the surface. This usually arouses self-criticism because you can’t control your feelings anymore as you once did. At another level, however, this eruption of emotions comes as a great relief.

• Your impatience begins to lessen.

• You take stress seriously, no longer believing that you thrive on it.

• You begin to listen to your body, which has all along been giving you signals of tightness, fatigue, etc.

• Your mind gives up calculating every move in advance.

• You stop holding grudges and remembering slights. Resentment begins to be replaced by tolerance.

• You quit setting external goals for yourself and believing that achieving these goals faster, better, and more tirelessly makes you a good person.

How can you love without need? Know the difference between ego and spirit.

Adapted from The Path to Love, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 1997).


Elisa F.
Elisa F3 years ago

Thank you.

Rosie Lopez
Rosie Lopez6 years ago

wonderful article thanks!!

Teresa Wlosowicz
Teresa W7 years ago

What if that uncontrolled love ends in an unwanted pregnancy?

Hartson D.
Hartson Doak7 years ago

Living with a controller teaches tolerance and patience. However, there is a point when the realization that this relationship will not improve, the children are grown and gone and there is NO real good reason to tolerate any longer. So after 40 years, I gave up.

Mark S.
Mark S7 years ago

A very good article for those of us who struggle with control issues in relationships. Thank you.

Tori W.
Past Member 7 years ago

Interesting. I used to play "three dimensional human chess." It was my form of control. Having the security to let go of that control is very freeing in every respect that you named and one more. We can finally, finally be who we were meant to be. It won't happen immediately because we will have a lot of work to do on ourselves once we relinquish control, but it will come, our acceptance of who we really, really are. It's great!

Fifi Bernard
Fifi Bernard7 years ago

I am just beggin a beautiful relationship and this is a good remembering adivice to stay on top , and learn the way to live and achive agood relationship.
Obrigado=thank you
Fifi Bernard

Pirjo H.
Past Member 7 years ago

So true.

Bb La Desh
.7 years ago

Excellent reminder, thanks!

Ann W.
Ann W7 years ago

As someone said, he married a counselor because it seemed to him tht she listened "With her whole body." If only I could find someone to give me that kind of attention.

But I am starting late, by our screwy cultural standards.