The Annoying Secret to Finding Yourself

Iím not sure who learns more: the life coach or the client. Perhaps itís how a teacher feels when a genius kid shows up in their classroom and starts to school them. Either that or they mix up a stiff vodka cranberry, eat the ends of their pencils and curse their fate, Iím not sure.

Iíve been pondering the occurrence of copycatting as of late. You know what I mean, right? When someone close to you, or even those not so close, try to either become you or they do every single thing that you do, just one or two steps behind. Most of us do this as teenagers. If I had been given a hunk of gold every time my mom told me, ďIf your friends jumped off a bridge, you would follow them,Ē Iíd not only have a golden palace, Iíd probably have a golden kingdom. The answer then was, yes, of course I would have. I was fifteen, indestructible and my friends were my life.

But I see it today too, and I still do this. When I first met my career idol†at her ranch in California I wanted to crawl right into her and wear her skin like a little meat tuxedo. There was such a peaceful presence within her and an inner power that felt palpable. I felt as if she were talking to me without saying a single spoken word. It was quite dizzying. I so admired the life she had built, I loved the inner tribe of spiritual seekers that she surrounded herself with and I too wanted a life where I was enveloped by horses, mountain lions and bears, oh my. Itís likely, in part, why I signed up and completed her†Life Coach training. Not to mention the fact that I felt like I had come home and was able to see that there was a term for someone doing what I was doing in the world Ė Life Coach.

Iíve had people try to replicate my life as well. Folks who wanted to become a coach like me. Peeps who modeled their businesses after mine. Women who wanted to write in a similar voice. Girls who have gone back to college later in life because I did. Some have even copied my signature hair-do (which is the most egregious of all because, most of the time, my hair looks like an errant Q-Tip that has been shuffled around in a travel bag for the past twenty years or so.)

The thing is I never really understood why, until a few days ago on a coaching call with one of my dearest clients. †Jill Dryer, (who has graciously given me permission to write about her and our conversation)†is probably one of the most creative women I know. Her energy is that of hummingbird meets eagle and you can literally feel her creative juice crackling through the phone line on our weekly calls. As we began to talk about copycatting which, by the way, is how it goes in coaching Ė if youíre noodling something in your own life, invariably your client will bring it up. (Is it collective consciousness? I donít know, but itís sometimes just flat out eerie.)

Anyway, as we were discussing this copycat phenomenon, Jill said, ďThink of the Tour de France. †If youíre trying to find your rhythm or you donít know your way, itís okay to ride behind the person in front of you, it gives you momentum and helps you to see where youíre going. Itís called drafting.Ē

My jaw dropped to the floor as this lilí gem sunk into my bones.†Thatís why we do this. †I donít want to be Martha and wear her meat suit. Truly I donít, plus it would be completely psychotic and gross. I just needed to draft along behind her for a bit to test my speed, the wind, the climb and the terrain until I had the gumption to push out on my own and let the wind hit me straight in the face without buffer.

And all these peeps who are trying to replicate me, well, I donít know why theyíd ever want to, for one, but I get it. Itís because they havenít†quite figured out what they are supposed to do so theyíre riding along behind, using the momentum of the path Iím forging to test their own paths.

The best part of figuring all of this out was later realizing that no one is ever in the lead, really. Even though some folks may be further down the path, (like Oprah or J.K. Rowling,) itís not a race. †Thereís not a first place or a second place or even a last place because we all have a different finish line that is as individual as we are. †Not only that, our paths are wholly different. While I have started out drafting behind some amazing women throughout my life, my course has veered and each time Iíve found my own way. (ButÖ boy am I thankful they were peddling before me.) †However, just as certain as I am in this moment that Iím going it ďaloneĒ, invariably I will ride up behind someone who models something else for me, and Iíll rest a spell in her draft, getting a sense for the speed and route, before I forge on ďaloneĒ again. And so the ďraceĒ goes.

This is dedicated to all those trailblazers and all those fierce peddlers who have gone before me, gracious, amigas. †Iíd love to hear who you would like to thank for allowing you to draft behind them. Tell me about your copycat stories.

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Magdalena C.
Past Member 2 years ago

Thank you!

Dana A.
Dana A3 years ago

I have found myself ...just trying to figure out how to throw myself back, This article was a hard read.

Jessica K.
Jessica K3 years ago

Got a little lost trying to follow the author. Had to find my own way through the essay. Thanks.

Magdalena J.
Past Member 3 years ago

Thank you!

Cheryl Mallon-Bond


heather g.
heather g3 years ago

A little self-absorbed.....

I guess we all do this to a certain extent throughout our lives. If it's more positive, it's a good move ...

Nils Anders Lunde
PlsNoMessage se3 years ago


Dimitris Dallis
Past Member 3 years ago

Oh, I forgot to make a comment for the article:

Thank you :)

Dimitris Dallis
Past Member 3 years ago

Hmmm... I would put it like this:
"We are what we pretend to be, so we better be careful what we prefer to be"

And go duck yourself, means to be cool as a duck :)

Ben Oscarsito
Ben Oscarsito3 years ago

Yesterday I was told to go duck myself...I don't know what that mean...??? : ~ [