The Doctor-Patient Relationship: Part One

When I was training to become a physician, the rules of the broken, outdated, patriarchal medical system were made clear to me. They went something like this.

The Old Medicine

As your doctor, I will sacrifice everything in my personal life in order to fix what is broken in you. I will stay awake when Iím exhausted, cross my legs when I have to pee, ignore my stomach when it growls, neglect my partner and children when they need me, allow my health to decline, and read all my medical journals so I can stay up to date on the latest in modern science. I will show up sick to work, endure unspeakable traumas in order to learn what I need to know to be an excellent physician, and I will prioritize medicine over everything else in my life. I will study what my forefathers have learned, attend lectures, consult with other physicians, practice my skills, follow the Hippocratic Oath, and vow to first do no harm, and then, hopefully, to do some good.

I will ask you questions, take notes when you talk, interpret your vital signs, and listen to the rhythms of your most crucial organs. I will order laboratory tests and X-rays to figure out whatís wrong, write prescriptions to treat you, refer you to a specialist (if I canít figure out whatís going on), operate when needed, and cover up or cut out any symptom that threatens to disable or destroy you.

Trust Me

As your doctor, I will bring to our relationship the hallowed knowledge of the best of modern science, the wisdom I have earned from years spent in ivory towers, the gifts garnered from the most gifted clinicians Iíve trained with, and the hard-won experience of practicing my craft. I will filter your health problems through the lens of my collective knowledge and churn out a diagnosis, a treatment, and a genuine desire to help you get well.

As my patient, you will trust my expertise, refrain from questioning my judgment, have patience when I make you wait, forgive me when Iím curt, keep your questions to a minimum because Iím very busy, and pay your health insurance premiums so I can give you the best care possible.† As my patient, you will follow up with all recommended tests and comply with all treatment plans, even if you donít understand or agree with what Iíve ordered, prescribed, or recommended.

As my patient, you will fill out all paperwork, jump through all hoops, get child care when you need it, take time off work, find transportation, and make any other arrangements necessary to prioritize your health, but if I have to cancel on you, you will understand, because some of my patients are sicker than you.

Tell Me Everything

You will willingly offer up to me every private detail of your life that is relevant to helping me deliver the best care possible, but you may not ask me to reveal such details of my own personal life, for that would be unprofessional. You will not complain about sitting naked and cold in a sterile exam room for 30 minutes, while I attend to other patients. And you will not mind when I finally show up, dressed and perspiring, in my white collar, tie, and starched white coat.

Forgive Me

When you come in to see me, you will forgive me for forgetting your name, not remembering that your husband just died, looking in your ears instead of your vagina because the nurse plugged in the wrong code on my form, and keeping my back turned to you throughout our visit because these new computers keep me from looking you square in the eye.† You will understand my frigid hands, the ice cold speculum, and the gown that stops at your waist and flaps open to reveal your business not just to me, but to the people standing in the hallway who peek in when I bark orders at my medical assistant.

You will not get your feelings hurt when I never remove my hand from the doorknob throughout our 15 minute visit, even though you are trying to confess that youíve had pain with sex for six years now. You will understand that I donít cry when you do, even when I just told you your baby has died, because if I let you see how much I hurt with you, our relationship might get too personal, and you may not respect me any more.

Please Understand

You will understand that if I wasnít this way, I might wind up even more exhausted, depleted, overworked, overwhelmed, stressed, financially strapped, traumatized, heartbroken, sick, and depressed than I already am. You have to realize that if I put you first without considering the other 40 patients I must see today in my office, I couldnít pay the bills. And if I put my heart on my sleeve right there where you could see it, I might wind up sobbing on the floor of a locker room, dressed in scrubs, while my colleagues scream at me to buck up.† If I let my guard down, you might see through this gruff exterior and know how much I resent my job sometimes, how frustrated I am that managed care has taken away my autonomy, how disgusted I am that I donít get more time with you, and how much I feel trapped because I owe more money than Iím earning these days.

If I let my guard down for even one second, I might have to admit to myself that I made a mistake, that I should have gone to law school or business school, or that – God forbid – Iíd rather be an artist or a writer than this kind of doctor. But Iím an indentured servant who canít even afford to quit my job, much less follow some lark and go chasing butterflies.

So forgive me if I donít treat you like my best friend. And understand that Iím really, honestly doing the very best I can.


As doctor and patient, we must agree to respect the boundaries of our relationship, and as long as you do your part, I will do everything I can to fix your problem, even if it saps every last bit of energy I have, because I am called to practice medicine, and I know you need me. So you can count on me. I am here to serve you.

With that said, will you please get undressed now? We only have 4 minutes left.

With the best intentions,

Your Doctor

Okay, itís me, Lissa, again, and I have to admit that I just sobbed my way through writing that.

Iím going to propose a new agreement, one that will forge the way and shine a light on The New Medicine – a system I dream of and believe in my heart-of-hearts is possible.

Since I have decided to†put my white coat back on, I am committed to rewriting the rules, shaking up the system, and tapping into my gifts as a physician while doing things my way.

What do you think? Have you experienced any wounds at the hands of doctors or other health care practitioners entrenched in The Old Medicine? Are you a doctor or other health care professional committed to changing how we treat patients? Are you a patient ready to demand what is rightfully yours? Whoís on board to blaze this trail with me? Can I see a show of hands?



Lissa Rankin, MD: Founder of†,†motivational speaker, and author of†Whatís Up Down There? Questions Youíd Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend and Encaustic Art: The Complete Guide To Creating Fine Art With Wax.

Learn more about†Lissa Rankin here.



Michele Wilkinson

Thank you

Fella G.
Fella G.7 years ago

According to this model, my doctors were supposedly reading medical journals to stay current... that's not true. My overall health has taken a serious blow in the form of permanent and disabling damage because I trusted doctors who don't know anything.

I'm quite grateful you'll be doing something to change the system. Lead by example.

In the meantime I am homeless and working as hard as I can to come up with the $100k I need to get the rest of the tests I know I need, and the surgeries I need to function properly now that my body has been screwed up by doctors. Hopefully they don't kill me. Maybe I should just go to medical school so they don't.

KrassiAWAY B.
Krasimira B7 years ago

Noted with interest.

Jane H.
Jane H7 years ago

Like so many other comments I'd like to hear about a new paradigm (sic). Also, Docs need to know more about drug and alcohol addiction!

Edith B.
Edith B7 years ago

I have been to MD's who suscribe to the above description, and my GYN is one of those. Fortunately, I don't see him that often. My internist is a family doc, he remembers me, my family, and always has time to ask about personal things. I have been seeing him for eleven years and am so grateful I found him.

Tom Sullivan
Tom C Sullivan7 years ago

I have a great Dr. She is the best, I would not trade her for anyone else.

Jon Hoy
Jonjon Hoy7 years ago

My doctor knows my body almost as much as I do. He treats you like family and listens and finds a cure for everything. This is a great article, bring on part two article. Thanks for the great post.

Marilyn NO FWDS D.
7 years ago

That's another good point in favor of concierge medicine....the doctor makes house calls.

My doctor now has the time to study nutrition on the side, and we all know that nutrition has been grossly ignored in med schools and most doctors haven't a clue about nutrition or the dangers of chemical food additives and the interactions they have with medications.
When I'm in the hospital, I can't eat the food because it's so full of chemicals. My husband has to bring me organic food. I can't even drink the juice with additives....and I have such chemical sensitivities that I can't take most meds.
Doctors don't know enough about chemical sensitivities either...and they treat the symptoms caused by one drug, with another drug that will cause new symptoms of its own....leaving a patient feeling worse.

Doctors have to be willing to learn beyond school...just as the rest of us.
It's up to each of us to know our body and participate in our medical care with some responsibility.

Danielle V.
Danielle V7 years ago

What you are doing is outstanding! You're saying what probably many doctors are thinking but feel too caught up in obligations to change. Our system for producing doctors is twisted and needs to be fixed. Let's just hope that you will not be censored while doing what you're doing!

Nancy V.

My body, my is my 'right' to ask questions and be my own advocate. I try not to 'waste the drs time' but I do expect answers to my questions and explanations of any treatment....and answers to questions like, " this surgery really necessary?" In my long long life, I've had lots and lots of experience with doctors for myself, my children and my Mother. And believe me, their are good doctors and there are those just 'putting in their time'....they are not Gods by any means and should definitely not ignore questions.