The Foreplay Cure

“Sex without foreplay is like song’s refrain without the intro.”†† Toba Beta

I have been grappling with the statistic that the average amount of foreplay that couples engage in is between 1-4 minutes as reported on a recent Dr. Oz segment.

I donít doubt it, because I have received my share of calls and emails from customers who have shared similar stories and then wondered why the lubricant didnít work.† I am sorry to be the messenger here, but the best, most magical lube in the world is the foreplay.

When I sell my bottles of lube one by one at conferences and trade shows, I say this to our customers:† ďLubricant is the grand finale,† the bottle you reach for when you canít stand it anymore.† This is when lubricant can do its real job of extending the pleasure, †comfort and glide of sensitive tissue in friction.† I also tell them not to waste it on someone they donít love,† which is the other great secret about lubricant, it works better in the presence of loving energy given intimately.

One way to consider extending your foreplay time is to allow your thinking to get filtered through your nose, which heightens not only your sense of smell but also your sense of touch and taste. Although I have mentioned this before, it bears repeating: Awakening our libido happens not in the genitalia, but in the limbic brain at the same place as our sense of smell is processed. This is not news, sensate focus in foreplay is standard sex therapy.† The addition of scent to the sensory physical experience of noticing pressure, heat and texture will only enhance Masters and Johnsonís advice.

Getting out of our head and into our erotic body sounds simple enough until you consider the many ways that our unspoken discomforts and angst live in our bodies too, and I suspect touch edge to edge with our mysteriously powerful erotic selves. There is no more deeply vulnerable act of sharing than letting go sexually with someone you love. Our sexuality is a mirror for what we share in our daily relationship. If you donít feel safe to express yourself or if you are hiding things in your daily intimate relationship, these emotional dilemmas shape the access and meaning of sexual foreplay too.

Being deliberate about growing your comfort zone in foreplay activities will translate into not only a more curious and passionate sexuality but will also be mirrored in an opening in the emotional relationship. Putting the focus on expanding foreplay also reduces the performance pressure and anxiety often associated with the act of sexual intercourse, which is too often played as a race to the orgasmic finish. The truth is that orgasmic potential builds over time and when you stop chasing after it can envelop you, even in foreplay.

Setting goals –even just an additional five minutes– each time you are intimate is an easy way to shift your focus from the score, keeping that the high/ low desire issues common to all relationships creates. Whether you are giving or getting the rejection, keeping score only dampens whatever passion and connection exists between you. Finding ways to reach each other in a physical conversation that need not even be overtly sexual is a way through.† It allows you to see the many ways that your relationship is sound and worthy. Recognizing that we communicate much of what we leave unsaid in our relationships through our intimate foreplay actually provides a release mechanism that is workable for many relationships.

Every couple will at some point in their relationship face the inevitable initiation question and the dilemma of mismatched libido. By refocusing on the foreplay that does and doesnít happen and learning how to ask for the intimate contact you seek,† you create the space to reinvent the question of who wants who or at least take a closer look at the painful ways we miss each other in our daily encounters. If you are really interested in changing the nature of your relationship, start by adding time and loving attention in your foreplay. Adding ten minutes to this activity can add a power boost to your relating all week long.


Duane B.
.5 years ago

Thank your for sharing.

K s Goh
KS Goh6 years ago

Thanks for the article.

Naga Choegyal
Naga Choegyal6 years ago

Add 10 Minutes!!!? BS!

Foreplay starts the minute intercourse ends and continues until the next occasion of connection!

Don't be satisfied ( you won't be) with anything less.

Giovanni S.
Giovanni S6 years ago

Good article, thanks.

Faith Purdy
Faith Purdy6 years ago

thank you!

Ernie Miller
william Miller6 years ago


Kate Florio
Kate F6 years ago

I could be wrong here, but I have a feeling it is mostly men who would like to move things along - at a faster pace! If you men like sex that much, the more foreplay that happens, the more sex you will get in the long run. We LOOOOVE the foreplay, and you LOOOOVE sex, so why not do BOTH - more than a couple of minutes, if at all possible.

It worked with me!! One guy, I knew, was a master at the foreplay, and believe me, I was all over him - on a regular basis!!! It does work...and I am guessing that most women would agree with me. WE'D BE ALL OVER YOU...YOU WOULD PROBABLY HAVE TO TAKE 'SEX-BREAKS'!!!

Ameer T.
Ameer T6 years ago

As much as i like and am a proponent of long tender loving, a quickie is not a bad idea from time to time. especially if you have small children. children affect your sex life a lot i think. my wife and i actually have to plan a good time together. And the weekends are like a honeymoon. and yes we have never used lube because we spend enough time in foreplay as well as afterplay.

So wine 'er', dine ér and 69 'er'.

Sandy D.
Sandy Davitian6 years ago

Interesting... very!

Steve Gomer
Steve Gomer6 years ago

Amanda M(says) Like a sign says that I saw once: "There are no frigid women-only inadequate men!"

Amanda, if you believe this sign you read, then perhaps your one of the reasons that all these men are so inadequate in the first place.

Like someone said above, women are all different in their needs and desires, so its up to the woman to point out those needs and desires , so men can give you what you want.

We are not all out here for self satisfaction. Most,if you take the time to listen, are out more to satisfy their woman. this gives us more enjoyment than the actual orgasm .....Spend some time. Teach your guy what you need, and I'm sure he won't be so inadequate next time.