The Importance of Foreplay

I have been with the same man for a couple of years and have always had some sensitivity with sex. We always use lubricant but even with that product, it still hurts sometimes when he climaxes too soon. The only thing that I know for sure is that when I have an orgasm before penetration, (which sometimes takes some time) I don’t have pain and can sometimes even have another one inside.  Is this normal?

Congratulations! You have hit upon one of the cardinal rules of female sexual pleasure… which is normal  and yet remains relatively unknown. The clitoral orgasm is one of the easiest and most immediate sexual pleasures available to most women. Exploring the many different kinds of  stimulation on this part of the body is both fun and rewarding.

Consider the range of sensations available by mixing up soft, medium or hard pressure, vertical, diagonal or horizontal strokes and  varying degrees of speed.  Learning what feels good and can bring you to climax will not only open the door to understanding your sexual identity and preferences but will improve partnered activities for life.

Having a clitoral orgasm before penetration serves to open and relax all the vaginal and pelvic muscles. While lubrication is an essential aid to enjoying longer and smoother penetration, the preliminary O, gets the internal juices flowing as well.  By that I mean, not only internal moisture, but the imagination and the nervous system gets primed for discovering greater levels of pleasure.

Biologically we now bear witness to this connection as well through the new and updated understanding of the clitoris as an organ.  The orgasmic release at the clitoral tip traces its way down the clitoral roots into the vaginal wall, culminating at the g-spot. It is difficult if not impossible for most women to connect with this internal pleasure center if they have not experienced a preliminary external orgasm first.  As the walls of the vagina soften with pleasure, the actual sensation of penetration changes. 

Applying this rule of cultivating an external clitoral orgasm before penetration has the added benefit of increasing the amount of time a couple spends in intimacy. Statistically a woman is much more likely to orgasm with longer foreplay including both oral sex and manual stimulation and the subsequent intercourse is generally more pleasurable and painless.

I have been talking about this idea for a long time as I have had similar questions from many of  my customers who wonder about pain with intimacy even after application of lubricant. I always ask them if they were ready to be penetrated when they had sex. If you are not really ready to have someone enter you, even the best lubricant in the world may help, but will not prepare you for the deepest connection you share with someone.  That requires some work and letting go inside.

Taking the time to discover and cultivate your own pleasure before penetration is my way of thinking of love hygiene. It also works to even the timing out for many couples. I think it may have been in France when I learned of this technique in the context of a conversation about the difference between French and American men.

I was told, “In America the men say to each other: how far did you get. In France, the men say: how long did she scream…”   Go figure.


Richelle R.
Richelle R3 years ago

Foreplay can be a lot of things, even as simple as flirtation. But no matter what, it is important. Especially for women.

Beth O'Brien
Beth O'Brien3 years ago

For boys, it's about the destination. For men, it's about the journey.

Jan Fridtjofsen
Jan F3 years ago

I've always loved the foreplays most!

Julia Oleynik
Julia Oleynik3 years ago

Very important. Truth as it is. Thanks for sharing:)

Nikolas K.
Nikolas K3 years ago

I think the problem with the comments is that most people are focused on the end result rather than enjoying the trip and also about it being me me instead of us. This just points out another victim of us thinking we are all individuals with rights but damn everyone else including our partners.

Aud nordby
Aud nordby3 years ago


Stevie A.
Stevie A3 years ago

I LOVE the quote! And, Scott, this can make a huge positive difference for lovers of women,
as well as the women themselves. That is important too!