Why You Keep Falling In Love With The Wrong Person

By Debi Berndt for YourTango.com.

Most articles that offer dating tips will tell you what you did wrong on a date by recounting the deadly mistakes that are keeping you single: “Don’t be too fat, but don’t be too skinny.” “Don’t talk about your job, but do talk about your career goals.” “Be interesting … no, be interested. No, act cool.” Enough of that already!

The real reason you don’t have the love that you deserve isn’t how you acted on a date. It isn’t because you said the wrong thing or that you smiled at the waiter. It isn’t because you texted the guy after the date to thank him. It isn’t because you slept with him too soon.

More from YourTango: Always Attracted to the Wrong Person? End the Pattern in 3 Steps

Here’s the hard truth: you picked someone who would leave you before you even went out on that date. Before you even spoke to this person, your mate selection mechanism was set on heartache.

Why do we pick the wrong people? There is a subconscious part of us that draws us to particular people who trigger a familiar feeling. We think it’s chemistry when the fireworks go off, but what’s actually happening is that your inner drama queen is having a field day. You’re bored with the nice daters and crave attention from the ones who act disinterested. Most people think they will never have chemistry with someone “nice” and that could very well be true. If you don’t change your mate selection mechanism, you will subconsciously choose the same heartache every time. You will ignore the obvious red flags, believing, that “this relationship” will be different … but nothing changes.

To key to finding true love is to discover the mechanism in your subconscious (we call it your inner Adam or Eve), which fits like a puzzle piece with potential partners. You don’t have to change how you act, your clothes, your weight, or your personality; you just need to shift your piece of the puzzle. When your puzzle piece shifts, you will see that the men or women you meet will start to change as well. You can have conscious chemistry with someone who wants commitment and love just like you. You will feel the fireworks, but it won’t be followed by a night of Ben & Jerry’s on the couch (unless you and your partner enjoy sweet treats together).

More from YourTango: 5 Signs You’re Dating Mr. Wrong

There are a few ways to change your “Love Picker.” In fact, your subconscious mind is always giving you clues on how to change it. It keeps bringing you heartache so that you can finally make an adjustment. You may not have known that you can change it before today, but here is how:

1. Break bad patterns. Look for common themes in your relationships and figure out where the patterns have their roots. Try to identify the underlying fear you likely have of actually getting close to someone. Face the fear so you can break the bad pattern.

2. Pay attention to your dreams. Your dreams are a treasury of insight and information to guide you on your journey to a fulfilling relationship. They speak to you in symbolic language so you need to journal about them and follow your inner guidance.

3. Create an inner dialogue. Work with your subconscious mind by visualizing and facing the part of you that acts as the picker. Ask yourself questions and trust the answers that come to you.

4. Get a guide. Hire a coach that specializes in subconscious work. This is the fastest way to get yourself aligned with love.

More from YourTango: Why We Repeatedly Choose The Wrong Relationships

Once you shift your subconscious even slightly, you will see a huge difference in who you’re attracted to and who is attracted to you. You may even notice that more opportunities will show up to meet nice guys, and that friends will come out of nowhere to introduce you to someone worthy. The bottom line is that you don’t have to worry about saying the right things or playing the dating game. Your picker, if well-tuned, will always give you the love match you most desire. Isn’t that much easier than wondering if you should wait three days to call them?

This article originally appeared on YourTango.com: The Real Reason You Always Fall In Love With The Wrong Person.


Arif M
Arif M.about a year ago

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Angelina Smith
.4 years ago

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Kathy Perez
Kathy Johnson4 years ago

I look for the guy I can help. The one who was shy in school, or who lost a parent, or who seems to need more. I want to be the comforter, the one who made the difference. Fails. Its subconscious but looking back? Yea, i see the pattern. I think I can love them enough to outweigh any trauma in their lives. I can make them whole. Thus far it hasn't really worked, but the guy I am with now completes me as badly as I have always wanted to complete someone. Maybe it was I who needed saving...

PrimaAWAY B.
PrimaAWAY B4 years ago

Why always the wrong person?

The article and related articles have some good suggestions. If possible number one "Change Something" because this can end up extremely damaging and or dangerous to the person or their chidren if any.

There are reasons why this happens but when I hear "I just can't help it and that's what kind of person I like" >I cringe and even get frustrated. Too many times It's turns ugly.

I've never had this happen to me personally and I have a type I like but always was open to more. I've watched too many bad things happen to people besides just getting trust broken,cheating and getting hurt.

Thank You for the post...

Tania S.
Tania S4 years ago


Eternal Gardener
Eternal Gardener4 years ago


Mike Wilkinson
Mike Wilkinson4 years ago

the whole concept of dating always left me feeling clueless....can' t afford the ticket don't take the ride.....would rather sit back and observe the mating rituals of the humans around me...

Shanti S.
S S4 years ago

Thank you.

Danuta Watola
Danuta W4 years ago

Thanks for sharing

Ana Marija R.
ANA MARIJA R4 years ago

"Wrong person" is also our life teacher...