8 Ways to Stop Being a Desperate Dater

By Janet Ong Zimmerman for YourTango.com.

From a young age, we grow up thinking that a boyfriend or girlfriend will make them happy and that when we find one, life will be complete. Any dating coach will tell you that when this thinking carries into adulthood, singles focus too much on finding a partner.

Trying too hard leads to behaving and acting in ways that end up turning off potential partners. If all you think about is finding a boyfriend, instead of coming across as desirable you’ll seem desperate. Desperation is a definite turn off to high quality people.

More from YourTango: Love Bytes: 20 Unexpected Places To Find Your Next Boyfriend

What Happens When You Try Too Hard

If all you think about is finding that special someone, you’ll feel pressured to behave and act in certain ways when interacting with potential dates. This self-imposed pressure doesn’t let you be your authentic self, and when you aren’t being your true self, you won’t be able to connect with a person on a deep and meaningful level.

When things don’t go the way you want, you’ll be critical towards yourself. Beating yourself up gets in the way of loving yourself. And when you don’t love yourself, you can’t expect a man to love you. You’ll settle for less than you deserve. For example, let’s say a special someone makes plans to take you out on Saturday night but you don’t hear from him or her. They call you on Tuesday with an excuse that seems like a red flag. If you’re desperate, you’ll accept the excuse and lower your standards.

When you try too hard, you can’t relax and enjoy the journey because you’re wondering how to find love, and are always on alert for this person to “show up” in your life. This desperate and uptight energy you radiate will push a high quality man further away.

The Dissatisfying Approach To Finding A Partner

The approach a desperate person tends to take when looking for a relationship is being overly flirtatious, dressing provocatively, acting too available, waiting for him/her to contact them, pursuing him/her aggressively, behaving and acting in ways they think appeals to him/her, sleeping together too soon and trying to manipulate or force an outcome. These methods feel forced, unnatural and lead to dissatisfying results.

This approach is so dissatisfying because it’s not empowering. When I was single and wanted to find someone, I wasn’t able to be myself. I felt powerless because I believed that in order for love to happen to me, a guy had to choose me to be their girlfriend.

I want you to know there is a better way to find a partner. The empowering approach will allow you to feel good about yourself and experience the journey to love with more ease.

The Satisfying Approach To Getting A Boyfriend or Girlfriend

I believe the real meaning behind the old adage, “love happens when youíre not looking” is about focusing on yourself first. It’s about being happy by and with yourself, and loving who you are. When you’re truly happy and loving yourself, you’ll attract great people and increase your probability of getting a boyfriend or girlfriend.

What follows are eight healthy ways to focus on yourself first. As you practice these tips, you’ll also learn how they increase your probability of finding a great partner. The more you work on these methods, the more likely it is love will happen when you least expect it.

More from YourTango: Dating Tips & Advice From The Experts

1. Live Your Life

Life is too short to mope about not having a partner. Find and live your passions. If there are things on your bucket list you havenít done, get out there and do them. Participate in activities you enjoy; for example, hiking, volunteering or dancing. Potential dates are attracted to people who have a zest for life, and when you are living your life out loud, your enthusiasm is contagious. Plus, it takes the pressure off a date to feel responsible for your happiness. No one should ever have to feel responsible for someone else’s happiness, including you.

2. Be Happy With Yourself

Find your happiness by enjoying the simple things in life. Be grateful for what you have, honor your values and help others. When you are truly happy with yourself, you’re not shaken to the core when something bad happens. Studies show that happiness is contagious, and that potential dates find it hard to walk away from happy people. As dating expert Janis Spindel says, one of the biggest turn-offs for most people is negativity.

3. Surround Yourself With Supportive And Positive People

If you find yourself feeling stressed or depressed after being around certain people, limit the time you spend with them or completely stop being around them. Spend time with family and friends who are uplifting, and seek out new friends who leave you feeling positive. Life can be hard, and no one wants to be dragged down by a partner with a negative outlook on life. When you look at the brighter side of life, your interactions with everyone will be positive and more enjoyable.

4. Relax And Let Things Unfold Naturally

Instead of trying to control things to happen a certain way or resisting what “is,” relax. This doesn’t mean to not do anything. It simply means being clear on what you want, setting your intention, doing what you can to achieve it and then letting what is supposed to happen, happen. Finding a partner the “natural” way simply means being clear on the qualities and traits you want in a partner, only dating people who are right for you, responding instead of constantly initiating, and letting the universe bring you the person you’re supposed to be with.

5. Be Your Best Self

Being your best self means letting go of excess baggage from past dates or broken relationship. It also means doing the inner work to transform unhealthy patterns so that you can be the best version of you. The people you attract are based on where you’re at in your life. When you do the inner work to become your best self, you attract higher quality person who add to your life. Plus, you will have more options of people to choose from.

More from YourTango: Boyfriend Hunt: How To Use Technology To Find Real Love

6. Be Open-Minded

Instead of holding tightly to what you think is true, consider other perspectives. If you tend to jump to conclusions, take a step back. Instead of making assumptions, ask questions to avoid miscommunication and to understand the deeper meaning behind what someone is saying. Everyone wants to feel like they’re being heard, and effective communication is necessary to a healthy relationship. If you’re able to look for the truth in what a person says, even if you see things differently, he or she will feel more comfortable in sharing their true thoughts with you. The more comfortable he feels, the more open he will be, which will ultimately lead to a meaningful connection.

7. Reframe Unhealthy Beliefs

Finish these statements: “Love is_______________.” “Guys/girls are_______________.” “I am______________.” Fill in as many answers as come to your mind, then examine all of your unhealthy responses (for example, love is hard; guys/girls are afraid of commitment; I am not good enough) and replace them with positive responses that are as true or truer than your original response. The reason it’s so important to reframe unhealthy beliefs is that they drive the results you get. Let’s say your original belief was that the people you date are afraid of commitment. After reworking your opinion, you now believe that good men are open to commitment. In believing this, you’ll attract more people who are open to being in an exclusive relationship with you.

8. Love Yourself Completely

There are things you probably love about yourself and things you wish you could change about yourself. The good parts and self-perceived bad parts make up who you are. Instead of trying to hide these negative things, accept and embrace them. If you look closely at the parts you consider to be bad, you’ll discover that in some way, they have served you well at times in your life. The more you love all of who you are, the more your future boyfriend will love you. He will treat you with the affection and respect you deserve.

Finally, Embrace Your Single Status

It’s important to accept and embrace this stage of your life. Otherwise, you’ll end up with the wrong people in short-term relationships. When everyone else seems to have a boyfriend and you’re still single, you might think, “Whatís wrong with me?” The truth is: there’s nothing wrong with you. It just isn’t the right time yet. Live your single life happily and you will naturally get the boyfriend of your dreams. Believe and know that he is on his way. What will you do to focus on you?

If you’re getting lackluster results in love, take the Love Indicator Assessment. You’ll receive a free 6-page report showing where you’re at with love, the reasons you haven’t found it yet and what you can do to immediately improve your love life.

This article originally appeared on YourTango.com:†How To Get A Boyfriend: Stop Trying!.


Lowton E
Lowton E5 days ago

Life has been so miserable after my girlfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. I never thought she could hurt me just like that then i realized how much i loved my girlfriend when she ended our relationship and i had to look for options to make sure i get her back to myself for i wasn't living fine anymore. I was directed to a Spell Doctor known as Lord Doctor Zakuza by my cousin who he claimed he helped him in winning a lottery. I made contact with the Doctor and i was surprised and amazed when my girlfriend came back to me with her knees on the floor pleading to me for forgiveness to take her back as my lover. I thought i was dreaming because all this happened just within 48 hours and it happened as the spell Doctor as said. For that wonderful encounter with this man, i took a decision on my path that i will let the world know about Lord Doctor Zakuza for he's able and capable to solve any problems. Get in touch with him now. Here's his E-mail: Doctorzakuzaspelltemple@yahoo.com

Cora B
Cora B1 months ago

Please everyone must read this: Dr. Todd is a rare person. He is very kind, and always answered my questions. That's why I decided to cast a spell with him. When other casters just show interest in getting my money, Dr. Todd listened to my problem. I felt very confident with him, and put a lot of trust in his work. I know if I had no faith, my spell wouldn't have worked, and not so fast! If you contact TODD, I am sure you will understand what I mean. He is the kindest and the results of his spells are terrific! My story is that I was in love with my boss since I have this job. It's been almost 3 year. I tried a lot of spells to attract him, make him love me, have an affair etc? A few sex spells worked but love spells didn't until I found Dr. Todd When I read his first I knew he was different from normal casters who don't take time to answer. That's why I decided to ask him to cast a permanent love spell and a marriage spell. 34 days after the spell was cast, my boss sent me an email and invited me to the restaurant to announce me something important! The feeling I had when I opened his message was kinda weird. A mix between happiness, anxiety, and I was shocked by the power of that spell. At the same time, I thought it could be a promotion or a salary boost. Anyway, the dinner was fantastic. Food was great, it was French I think. Before dessert came, he asked me to be his wife!!! This moment was crazy! I felt adrenalin rising and my heart c

.5 months ago

my name is Hunry Ela. I am really pleased with this service. I am one of those people who said, “I’ll never call a psychic or a magician or whatever” to help me with my problems – least of all my love problems, but I reached the point where I knew I needed some guidance, and I’m so glad I found this man called Dr. UZOYA. I never in a million years would have thought I’d be writing a letter like this, but when I nearly lost Andrew in one of our stupid fights (he broke up with me), I thought I had lost everything.i cry all day and think that he will never come back to me again.i read a testimony by a man called Taylor Borg about him saying that how Dr. UZOYA help him to get back his EX wife within 48 hours.I quickly email him.and also get back my husband with his love spell. And when I was at my most desperate,he didn’t take advantage of me. You performed a very good service for a person in true need. I don’t know how you did it, or how this magic works, but all I know is, IT WORKS!! Andrew my husband and I are happily back together, and I’ll always be grateful to Dr. UZOYA email him for any kinds of help is very capable and reliable for help his contact details are;
Tell 1 301 909 8775

Mike J
Mike J7 months ago

Am Mike Judge from New Jersey, i am writing this due to the help rendered to me by one powerful love spell caster Priest Korofo who brought my Wife and kids back to me after five months of separation. I love my wife and kids to the extend that i couldn't bear their absence, i pleaded with my wife to come back but she said No, So i contacted Priest Korofo for help, So he did something powerful for me that made my wife to change her behavior, she was the one that called me and told me she is coming back home with the kids. I was so happy hearing that from her and as i am sharing this, i am happy to say that my wife and kids are back home and i am very happy. Whosoever that is reading this and wants to seek Priest korofo help as well in anyways should kindly email him on:
Whats App number: +2348110005853 OR call +2348027029204

He also has a Website: http://greatkorofo.webs.com AND
Facebook page: https://web.facebook.com/A-place-where-you-can-get-your-problems-solved-no-matter-the-situation-659772167547824/?notify_field=blurb&modal=profile_completion¬if_t=page_profile_blurb¬if_id=1493241181784357/

Mike J
Mike J7 months ago

Am Mike Judge from New Jersey, i am writing this due to the help rendered to me by one powerful love spell caster Priest Korofo who brought my Wife and kids back to me after five months of separation. I love my wife and kids to the extend that i couldn't bear their absence, i pleaded with my wife to come back but she said No, So i contacted Priest Korofo for help, So he did something powerful for me that made my wife to change her behavior, she was the one that called me and told me she is coming back home with the kids. I was so happy hearing that from her and as i am sharing this, i am happy to say that my wife and kids are back home and i am very happy. Whosoever that is reading this and wants to seek Priest korofo help as well in anyways should kindly email him on:
Whats App number: +2348110005853 OR call +2348027029204

He also has a Website: http://greatkorofo.webs.com AND
Facebook page: https://web.facebook.com/A-place-where-you-can-get-your-problems-solved-no-matter-the-situation-659772167547824/?notify_field=blurb&modal=profile_completion¬if_t=page_profile_blurb¬if_id=1493241181784357

Richard K.
Richard K.7 months ago

My boyfriend left me a month ago and he was leaving with another woman who is 10 years older than him,i feel like my life is completely over. I read over the internet how a spell caster have help several people to get there love back. I have been dipresed for the past one month and what i need is to get him back and live with me so i decided to give it a try so i contacted the spell caster called Dr GOZZA and explain my problems to him and he cast a spell for me which i use to get my boyfriend back and now my life is complete and i am throughly greatful to this man,his contact email is hollygozzasolutiontemple@gmail.com Thank you very much and i am extremely greatful hollygozzasolutiontemple@gmail.com
phone number , +2349067051818

Rose M.
Rose M.7 months ago

I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster when i went to Africa to Execute some business..He is really powerful..My husband divorce me with no reason for almost 4 years and i tried all i could to have him back cos i really love him so much but all my effort did not work out.. we met at our early ageat the college and we both have feelings for each other and we got married happily for 5 years with no kid and he woke up one morning and he told me he’s going on a divorce..i thought it was a joke and when he came back from work he tender to me a divorce letter and he packed all him loads from my house..i ran mad and i tried all i could to have him back but all did not work out..i was lonely for almost 4 years…So when i told the spell caster what happened he said he will help me and he asked for him full name and him picture..i gave him that..At first i was skeptical but i gave it a try cos have tried so many spell casters and there is no solution…so when he finished with the readings,he got back to me that he’s with a woman and that woman i the reason why he left me…The spell caster said he will help me with a spell that will surely bring him back.but i never believe all this…he told me i will see a positive result within 3 days..3 days later,he called me himself and came to me apologizing and he told me he will come back to

Richard K.
Richard K.8 months ago

today am a happy woman because of what Dr Gozza has done for me and am here to testify to everyone here on this forum how this man helped me win my husband back after he has left me and my 4 months daughter to go after another lady who used powers and lies to deceive my husband , it was a terrible situations for me till i storm into this woman who shared a story about Dr Gozza of hollygozzasolutiontemple@gmail.com, of Facebook just the way am sharing it today now , so i said let me give it a try and after i have explained to this man DR GOZZA from the united state he told me to calm down for there is no problem without a solution so he did his work , prayers, and told me to wait for 48 hours to receive a call, or messages from my husband , i was just like how will this happen , but it was 8 am on that faithful day when i got an apology text from my husband , saying he is so sorry for everything , i quickly take my phone to contact Dr Gozza and inform he that my man has texted me and that was how i got my husband back and today we are one happy family again, so with this great work done for me by DR Gozza hollygozzasolutiontemple@gmail.com, i have decided to share to world about he so whosoever suffering from heart break, marriage problems breakup , cheating spouse, can also contact he today on his email and i know and believe they will also be helped , because today am a living testimony of his good work call or whatapp on his number.%

.8 months ago

Great article! I hope this helps a lot of women out there.
Fix your marriage and relationship after a breakup or divorce, 100% guarantee Love spell..! A very big problem occurred in my Marriage seven months ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce. he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited. I sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day. What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me, and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past 7 months, gave me a call to inform me that he is coming back. So Amazing!! So that was how he

Lydia R.
Lydia R.8 months ago

OMG!! This is certainly a shocking and a genuine Testimony..I visited a forum here on the internet on the 6TH OF MAY 2017, And I saw a marvelous testimony of this powerful and great spell caster called DR adoda on the forum..I never believed it, because I never heard nor learnt anything about magic before.. Not a soul would have been able to influence me about magical spells, not until i visit (adodalovespelltemple@gmail.com) and behold he did it for me and restored my marriage of 8 years back to me and brought my spouse back to me in the same 48hours just as I have read on the Internet..I was truly astonished and shocked when my husband knelt down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him back.. I am really short of expressions, and I don't know how much to convey my appreciation to you DR Adoda, you are a God sent to me and my entire family. Visit him today on ( adodalovespelltemple@gmail.com) Am Evelyn by name.