What Being Gay Taught Me About Sexual Confidence

By Rick Clemons for YourTango.com.

I admit it: I’m a gay man. I like sex and I’ve had gay sex (quite a bit of it). I’ve even had straight sex. And, I’m here to share 5 Secrets You Can Learn From Gay Men To Knock Your Sexual Confidence Out Of The Park! Of course, you don’t have to be gay, a man or even interested in having gay sex to understand anything I’m about to share with you.

From my perspective as a gay man, we don’t have all the answers about sex just because we supposedly have so much of it. That’s a stereotype that we gay men just seem to fashionably wear (provided it matches our Gucci loafers). Seriously though, contrary to popular belief, not all gay men are having one-night stands with every gay guy that pops in to our peripheral vision.

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So what about the straight, married couple Jim and Susie who live at the end of the cul de sac with Fido and their 2.5 kids? (Please explain to me how you can have “.5″ of a kid?) They’re curious, but lacking in confidence. They might want to take notes from their gay neighbors, which leads me to sharing the below secrets to boosting your sexual confidence.

1. Exploration builds confidence. If you never learned how to ride a bike, how confident are you in riding one? If you shied away from learning new dance moves, how are you ever going to be anything but a wallflower at the party? Get the point? If you don’t explore and satisfy your sexual curiosities, then you’ll never build the confidence to express your desires: “I want to tie you up in the lounge chair by the pool in plain view of the neighbors.”

2. Size matters. Yes, there are size queens whether you’re a gay man, straight woman, lesbian or straight man. We all desire a certain size of “something” from our sexual and intimate relationships. Gay men take it one step further. We judge ourselves by the size of our belief in ourselves. Why else do we strive for the best clothes or become gym bunnies to achieve outrageously chiseled bodies? The size of our confidence is in direct proportion to the size of our belief that we are sexual goliaths in bed!

3. Masculinity and femininity are not mutually exclusive. This is the truth and if you can’t grasp it, then you need to go back to health class. Remember X and Y-chromosomes? We all have them. The difference is, we gay men let them coexist in the condos of our human forms. Even the most butch, leather-clad gay man, allows his femininity to take center stage once the lights go down, the chaps come off and he utters to his lover, “Just take me!”

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The key here is to realize that there is a sexual spectrum fluid in all of us. We all float between our gender identity (what we feel in our mind) and our gender expression (how we dress, act and speak), regardless of our gender identity (what’s between our legs) and our sexual orientation (which gender we are attracted to physically and emotionally).

4. Monogamy isn’t just one shade of grey! Everyone seems to think that gay men can’t be monogamous (sigh). We can, we just do it by different standards. Here’s a run-down of the spectrum:

“Pure Monogamy”: a man shares sex and intimacy with only his boyfriend.
“Monogamy Bronze”: a man shares sex and intimacy with his boyfriend and the couple agrees to playing with another guy.
“Monogamy Silver”: a man shares sex and intimacy with his boyfriend and another guy chosen to keep peace in the house.
“Monogamy Gold”: a man shares sex and intimacy with his boyfriend and no more than two other guys (but can’t get jealous of them).
“Monogamy Platinum”: a man shares sex and intimacy with his boyfriend, and allows him to play with another guy (it doesn’t matter who he’s doing it with, as long as he’s having safe sex, doing it where the couple can watch and the other guy agrees to being watched).

5. Be confident enough in yourself to be vulnerable to someone else. For the most part, gay men know exactly what they are doing when they say “Hey” on Grindr, cuddle up to the cute guy at the bar and find ourselves thinking, “It’s just sex!” Yes, we do know all those things are just fodder for making us feel less than, not worthy and causing to break out in our own rendition of “Girl On Fire.” We’re fragile, we know it and while we may not admit it openly, we aren’t just pretty faces. Even under the stereotypical guise of sex-craved men, for the most part, we’re just men who are looking for acceptance.

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So if you were to take all these secrets and change the pronouns as necessary, what you’ll find is that gay men are really just like any other sexual beings. We don’t hold the secrets to sexual confidence; we simply hold the keys to being sexually true to who we are. And, as human beings, we screw it up from time to time, which is to be expected when you realize, boys will be boys, and men will be men ó gay or straight!

Rick Clemons, The Coming Out Coach
Certified Professional Coach (CPC), Energy Leader Index, Master Practioner (ELI-MP), International Coach Federation, Associate Certified Coach (ACC)

Rick Clemons is a Certified Professional Coach who’s been featured on The Ricki Lake Show, and is a highly sought after radio show guest, blogger, author, and Sex Coach U Faculty Member, who lovingly addresses the many facets of Coming Out for all who are touched by this Journey. Rick also hosted his own radio show, The Coming Out Lounge, and has been an expert guest on numerous other radio shows, and in print on national blogs. Sign-up for Ricks’ free video series, “Coming Out Without Coming Unglued!” or connect with him through his Coming Out & Life Coaching Newsletter.

Like to chat with Rick? Schedule A Complimentary Session! Sessions available via phone, Skype, and in-person.

Twitter: @ComingOutCoach
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This article originally appeared on YourTango.com:†Sexual Confidence: 5 Secrets You Can Learn From Gay Men.


Louis Olivencia
Lou Olive4 years ago


Dani Caprione
Dani C4 years ago

confidence comes from within......much like self esteem......no matter what your sexual preference.....
If you're not a strong minded person and not comfortable with yourself.....you will look to others for validation

Sue T.
Susan T4 years ago

ummmmmmm seriously ?

Christa Deanne
Oceana Ellingson4 years ago

Thank you(:

Natasha Salgado
Past Member 4 years ago

Great article--thanks!

Quanta Kiran
Quanta Kiran4 years ago


Debbie Miller
Debbie Miller4 years ago


Mary L.
Mary L4 years ago

Thank you for good advice.

Deborah W.
Deborah W4 years ago

My hope is that you pass through all your stages before coming to THE ONE, straight or gay, makes no difference to me. Adventure starts the journey, personal choice completes it. Choose wisely my friend.

Laura T.
Laura T4 years ago

love the views on "monogamy" I figure whatever works as long as your honest. I don't do commitments because some people are so hung up on the labeling&commitments, but those are the ones who cheat&lie. really a cool article