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Obama Not Ruling Out U.S. Military Action In Congress -- Onion News --

Society & Culture  (tags: americans, culture, funny, humor, society )

- 2012 days ago -
President Barack Obama revealed today that he has not ruled out taking immediate and decisive military action in the United States Congress. ***HUMOR*** ONION NEWS!!!


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Kit B (276)
Thursday January 16, 2014, 7:47 am

Onion New Network -

WASHINGTON—Following years of continued fighting and disorder in the troubled region, President Barack Obama revealed today that he has not ruled out taking immediate and decisive military action in the United States Congress.

Admitting that diplomatic outreach efforts in the area have so far proven unsuccessful, the president claimed that his administration is weighing the feasibility of committing combat troops to both the U.S. Senate and the House of Representatives in order to bring lasting peace and stability to the chaos-afflicted legislature.

“We have not yet made a decision as to how we are going to address this rapidly deteriorating situation, but at this point I can tell you that military action is indeed on the table,” Obama told reporters at a morning press conference, emphasizing that he is “deeply troubled” by the escalating hostilities and diminishing prospects for unity on the Congressional floor. “Clearly, sending our young men and women into this tumultuous war zone is not ideal, and I still hope to resolve the situation through peaceful means. But as the conflict continues to worsen, it becomes increasingly evident that the deployment of our armed forces may be our only real option.”

“We cannot stand idly by and allow this senseless mayhem to continue,” the president continued.

According to international observers, the United States Capitol ranks as among the most turbulent and unstable regions in the world, dominated by warring factions of rogue lawmakers who have shown neither the ability nor the willingness to peacefully resolve their differences.

As conditions worsen by the day, the president confirmed to reporters that he and his military advisors are currently evaluating the merits of a military option, suggesting that his administration has left open the possibility of toppling the hostile, unpredictable leadership currently reigning over the legislative assembly and restoring order to the Capitol building.

“Our efforts at resolving this conflict through conventional, non-military means have not only failed but seemingly emboldened extremists in the region,” said Obama, noting that while the United States does have some allies on the ground within the Senate, the administration has been almost completely cut off from the House for some time. “Right now there are millions of people who are hopelessly trapped under Congress’ corrupt rule, and it’s doubtful we’ll see any kind of progress in the area without either military intervention or a full-scale revolution, which is unlikely.”

While the White House continues to explore the use of armed forces in Congress, some military experts have expressed doubts as to the prospects of such an operation, saying that a full-scale invasion of the Capitol building represents a costly and uncertain venture that could hamstring the U.S. for the foreseeable future.

“We may have to accept the fact that the deep fissures afflicting Congress are, at present, unfixable, and that we’ll just have to wait the half-century or so it could take for the legislative body to achieve some kind of stability naturally from within,” said retired U.S. Marine Corps Lieutenant Colonel Lawrence Harley, adding that the deep divisions affecting Congress may in fact be endemic to the entire Washington region. “We are seeing similar levels of chaos and infighting in the Supreme Court and in many of the smaller cities and towns where extremists loyal to members of Congress have gained significant ground. Are we really prepared to risk American lives for what could be a lost cause?”

“Besides, the majority of the American people are barely even aware of what’s going on over there,” Harley added.

Onion News |

Sue H (7)
Thursday January 16, 2014, 8:50 am
An excellent idea! Spy drones would help as well.

Terry King (113)
Thursday January 16, 2014, 10:38 am
I would like to see economic sanctions first... Freeze all congressional assets both foreign and domestic, and prohibit the further accumulation of campaign funds. When their children get hungry, maybe they will discover compassion! I love the Onion!

Kit B (276)
Thursday January 16, 2014, 10:41 am

Shirley you jest, Terry. Compassion? Now that is funny. (no, I did not misspell surely - it's a joke)

Kit B (276)
Thursday January 16, 2014, 10:42 am

Onions always bring tears, in this case tears of laughter. I only wish this were real.

Deb E (63)
Thursday January 16, 2014, 10:54 am
Terry's got a good idea. I like the idea of sanctions first, but if that doesn't work, hit 'em hard!

Terry King (113)
Thursday January 16, 2014, 10:54 am
Don't call me Shirley.

Kit B (276)
Thursday January 16, 2014, 11:02 am

You know that I am laughing out loud, I knew you would "get it".

Rose Becke (141)
Thursday January 16, 2014, 1:54 pm
LOL at Terry

JL A (281)
Thursday January 16, 2014, 5:17 pm
Makes one wish the balances of power allowed POTUS and/or SCOTUS to initiate impeachment proceedings against members of Congress...thanks for the welcome giggles Kit.

Laura H (950)
Thursday January 16, 2014, 5:43 pm
Green stars to all :))

Thanks Kit!

Kit B (276)
Thursday January 16, 2014, 6:43 pm

Please Flag the SPAM - thanks

Kamia T (89)
Thursday January 16, 2014, 6:50 pm
Spam flagged. This is funny, but maybe not. Have you noticed that the rhetoric, ire, hate-mongering, etc. are becoming more and more inflamed? When government cannot or will not control itself has become the trigger for many of those in power wanting to seize even more power and control. Laugh, but keep your head up and looking about.

Sherri G (128)
Thursday January 16, 2014, 6:58 pm
Funny but sadly accurate on many levels. Noted TY Kit

JL A (281)
Thursday January 16, 2014, 7:00 pm
spam flagged

Angelika R (143)
Sunday January 19, 2014, 7:39 am
laughing, yes-but for how long...? I am honestly afraid we might be reading THAT headline somewhere else than the Onion in the not too far future. thx Kit!
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